Vatican Considering Recognizing B.o.B as a Saint

Vatican Considering Recognizing B.o.B as a Saint

Official Punch Bowl Vatican correspondent Daniel Loud has the latest on the B.o.B. flat earth expose. This Wednesday, several Vatican officials confirmed that there have been talks about calling a tribunal to discuss canonizing rapper B.o.B into sainthood, following his ardent defense of the fact that the Earth is flat. B.o.B.’s comments have rekindled long-dormant … Continue reading

NO, I DON’T WANT TO GO TO YOUR COLLEGE

NO, I DON’T WANT TO GO TO YOUR COLLEGE

Freshman guest columnist Scott Rubenstein would like you to know to stop sending him so many goddamned emails!  “Please tell our university why you would like to unsubscribe from emails from the Kalamazoo School of Masonry.” Really? You really want to know why? Where do I even begin? For starters, I’M ALREADY ENROLLED IN ANOTHER … Continue reading

Das Sweatshirt

Das Sweatshirt

The recent distribution of Penn Class of 2017 sweaters has caused an eruption of violent struggle on Penn’s campus. While many of the tensions between juniors and seniors have long remained dormant, the ’17 sweaters have become a flagrant knitwear-based protest against the alleged tyranny of the Class of 2016.  Questions regarding control over the … Continue reading

Dennis Hastert Extends Lead in GOP Polls

Dennis Hastert Extends Lead in GOP Polls

Following a series of strong debate performances and sold-out rallies in early primary states, Republican Presidential candidate Dennis Hastert has extended his lead in the 2016 GOP primary according to several newly released polls. Three surveys, which canvassed likely voters in New Hampshire, Iowa, and South Carolina, show the former Speaker of the House with … Continue reading

Adele to Receive an Early Grammy

Adele to Receive an Early Grammy

Freshman guest columnist Celine Cumming with the news. Last week, the universe sent a miracle. After years of bated breath, it has finally happened: Adele has dropped a new single. As expected, it has rocked the world. It is the type of song that has people all over Craigslist trying to connect to that decently attractive … Continue reading

Star Wars Has Been Cancelled

Star Wars Has Been Cancelled

After the hashtag #BoycottStarWarsVII trended last week, director J.J. Abrams announced the cancellation of the Star Wars franchise. “Effective immediately, the release of any new Star Wars content has been postponed indefinitely. This includes the upcoming film, as well as the video game Star Wars Battlefront.” While Abrams did not comment on the availability of … Continue reading