Texts from Midterm Nights

Texts from Midterm Nights

Today’s guest column comes from our freshman midterm correspondent, Claudia Hogan, who wishes her beat was something other than exams. Although midterms seem more like an ongoing state of being rather than one discrete week, we as a campus are out of the thick of it (for now). In case you’re already trying to forget … Continue reading

Apple Store “Genius” Not

Apple Store “Genius” Not

In an effort to make a little extra cash on the side, 23 year-old Matthew Clark picked up a part-time job working at the Genius Bar of his local Apple Store. This “Genius” has been an Apple user since age twelve, when he got his first iPod. Clark, who is 5’8’ with brown hair, brown … Continue reading

20 Things About Winter

20 Things About Winter

So despite our best efforts, winter is indeed coming. Yeah, whatever, we get to have the holiday season and stuff but it will also be really cold and really dark for like four months (minimum) so there’s really nothing to actually be happy about. I guess the only things to do are to lace up … Continue reading

Where in the World was Kim Jong-un?

Where in the World was Kim Jong-un?

With reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has allegedly  (and finally) been seen in public, many people are wondering where he has been for the past month. Punch Bowl investigative journalists have obtained authentic, real, and totally legit photographic evidence showing how the supreme leader has been spending his time. In the past month, he: Received … Continue reading

Rap Analytics Part III: Rappers Are Crazy

Rap Analytics Part III: Rappers Are Crazy

Greetings my avid readers AKA mom! So I have a problem. My extensive work in the psych department last semester (shouts out to PSYC160!) has quite near ruined my experience with hip-hop music. The more I listen to rap music, the more I recognize not-so-borderline psychotic behaviors described in class. Oh, you don’t know what … Continue reading

List of Groups Applying for SAC Recognition

List of Groups Applying for SAC Recognition

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Now that SAC has partially lifted its moratorium on student groups, an unnecessarily large number of student groups has attempted applying for funding and recognition. Through some sleuthing, the Punch Bowl has received a partial list of groups applying for recognition: Assorted Glee Club Rejects Assorted Mask & Wig Rejects Assorted [Insert … Continue reading

We’re All Going to Die: Ebola Edition

We’re All Going to Die: Ebola Edition

Today’s guest column comes to us from our resident world health expert, Luke Hoban. Scientists confirmed Tuesday afternoon that a scary-sounding disease previously isolated on a continent that we don’t really pay attention to is now only 1,000 miles away from those of us in the Northeast. The outbreak, which has impacted thousands elsewhere in … Continue reading

New Job Opportunity: World’s Vaguest Start-Up

New Job Opportunity: World’s Vaguest Start-Up

Locations: San Francisco, CA Los Angeles, CA New York, NY Washington, D.C. + local and international positions available Position: Unpaid internship for the summer. Sometimes we pay. If we like you, we’ll pay you. If we like your skills, we’ll hire you, probably. Our full-timers tend to be more attractive than actually skilled, so I … Continue reading

Starbucks Changes Name to Pumpkin Spice

Starbucks Changes Name to Pumpkin Spice

After an especially early and demanding start of the pumpkin spice season, Starbucks has decided to give up on serving regular coffee and pastries and only serve pumpkin spice-flavored items. New items on the menu will include pumpkin spice tea, pumpkin spice frappucinos, pumpkin spice muffins, pumpkin spice cookies, pumpkin spice bagels, pumpkin spice rice … Continue reading