Penn Students Begin Protesting Fling Artists

Penn Students Begin Protesting Fling Artists

As Spring Fling approaches, many student groups have began to speak out against this year’s fling performers. Penn Social Planning and Events Committee (SPEC) found itself in a similar position last Spring Fling when students protested the choice of Tyga. While students were solely opposed to the misogynistic lyrics of Tyga last year, they have … Continue reading

Hoobastank for Fling 2015!

Hoobastank for Fling 2015!

Obviously we all know and love “The Reason.” It’s a ballad for the ages and will surely stand the test of time in the realm of sad, but determined anthems of love. I play it almost constantly. At the gym, while doing laundry, as I fall asleep, and both in and out of class, especially … Continue reading

ARCH MADNESS Sweet Sixteen Results

ARCH MADNESS Sweet Sixteen Results

Yesterday our voters narrowed 16 arches down to eight… here are the results: Science prevailed and Archimedes narrowly defeated the Archbishop of Rome. As predicted, archery surpassed the Galapagos Archipelago (the discovery of evolution is awesome, but… bows and arrows) In a surprise upset, Joan of Arc beat out Ted Mosby, architect. It is a … Continue reading

ARCH MADNESS: Round 1 Results

ARCH MADNESS: Round 1 Results

Your votes are in for Arch Madness Round 1, here are the results! Archbishop of Rome vs. Archgoat (metal band)- WINNER: Archbishop of Rome Archimedes vs. Literary archetypes- WINNER: Archimedes Archie Comics vs. archery- WINNER: Archery Galapagos Archipelago vs. Arc de Triomphe- WINNER: Galapagos Archipelago Ted Mosby, architect vs. Archie Thompson (soccer player)- WINNER: Ted … Continue reading

Arch Madness Round 1 (Results and Commentary)

Arch Madness Round 1 (Results and Commentary)

64 arches began. Only half could handle the stress. Here are the editors’ picks to narrow our original 64 arches down to 32 for round 1 voting in the Punch Bowl’s Arch Madness Tournament: The top-seeded Archbishop of Rome used his pontifical powers to fight off Michael the Archangel’s celestial ones. Metal band Archgoat barely squeezed out … Continue reading

Students to Hold Indifference Rally

Students to Hold Indifference Rally

PHILADELPHIA, PA – A ragtag students group of students at the University of Pennsylvania were talking when they all noticed how indifferent they were to current events. The students, who chose to remain anonymous, were very proud of ignoring the paper, trashing all flyers, and choosing to abstain from voting in any student election. One … Continue reading

What If There Was No Government As We Know It?

What If There Was No Government As We Know It?

It seems that every way guest columnist Brendan Murray looks, governments are letting their people down. Riots and protests in Ukraine. The Arizona legislature passing a bill allowing businesses to turn away gay customers based upon their religious beliefs. Arnold Schwarzenegger refusing to answer my e-mails about whether or not he is going to appear … Continue reading

Bachelor Shocks the Nation by Choosing Himself

Bachelor Shocks the Nation by Choosing Himself

Katie Sgarro, junior and Bachelor enthusiast, takes on Juan Pablo following The Bachelor finale. What produces more tears than an 8 A.M. recitation at DRL? Juan Pablo Galavis, the latest star of The Bachelor. America watched as the man deemed worthy of practicing polygamy for several months caused multiple women to ugly cry. After America experienced … Continue reading

Penn Reading Project 2014-2015 to Focus on Anime Porn

Penn Reading Project 2014-2015 to Focus on Anime Porn

After weeks of deliberation, the Penn Reading Project committee decided that the 2014-2015 program will focus on comic book anime porn. Incoming freshmen will be mailed three different issues of anime porn drawn by some of the world’s leading visionaries and artists. Due to concerns of parents and Upenn administrators, all packages will be delivered … Continue reading

Florida Man Uncharacteristically Normal

Florida Man Uncharacteristically Normal

HIALEAH, FL: In an astonishing turn of events, Florida man Charles Gibson has done nothing particularly shocking for the past 72 hours. “It’s really surprising to everyone that I’ve made it this far,” admits Charles, fidgeting uncomfortably on his half futon that he claims to have discovered generously dusted with cocaine and lit on fire … Continue reading

Safety Is Not A Joke

Safety Is Not A Joke

Today is Spring Break Eve, which means throughout the day thousands of college students will be travelling to exotic destinations all around the world to enjoy a well-deserved week of sun, booze, and hepatitis-filled tap water. In order to keep you safe this spring break, the Pennsylvania Punch Bowl has translated a few of the … Continue reading