Squirrel Found Guilty for Quad Robberies

Squirrel Found Guilty for Quad Robberies

Sources have confirmed that a slew of robberies throughout the Quad have been traced back to a single squirrel who gained entry through an opened window on the Fisher-Hassenfeld third floor. Upon entering the Quad, the malefactor ravaged a bowl of Hershey Kisses and Starbursts, leaving a trail of candy wrappers and fecal matter throughout his … Continue reading

Film Haikus

Film Haikus

Between doing hard work preparing for finals in the library, going out on the town with my friends, and weeping inconsolably in Frontera while listening to Leona Lewis, I have not had the time to sit down for two hours and enjoy a high-quality film. I imagine you have had this struggle as well, avid … Continue reading

All Penn Food Trucks To Become BYOs

All Penn Food Trucks To Become BYOs

Starting next week, all food trucks on Penn’s campus will become BYOs. While typical BYOs occur in large, spacious restaurants, students will now be able to bring their own into any food truck they desire. This new initiative is being spearheaded by PAFT, the Penn Association of Food Trucks. “I think this is a great … Continue reading

Penn Students Begin Protesting Fling Artists

Penn Students Begin Protesting Fling Artists

As Spring Fling approaches, many student groups have began to speak out against this year’s fling performers. Penn Social Planning and Events Committee (SPEC) found itself in a similar position last Spring Fling when students protested the choice of Tyga. While students were solely opposed to the misogynistic lyrics of Tyga last year, they have … Continue reading

Hoobastank for Fling 2015!

Hoobastank for Fling 2015!

Obviously we all know and love “The Reason.” It’s a ballad for the ages and will surely stand the test of time in the realm of sad, but determined anthems of love. I play it almost constantly. At the gym, while doing laundry, as I fall asleep, and both in and out of class, especially … Continue reading

ARCH MADNESS Sweet Sixteen Results

ARCH MADNESS Sweet Sixteen Results

Yesterday our voters narrowed 16 arches down to eight… here are the results: Science prevailed and Archimedes narrowly defeated the Archbishop of Rome. As predicted, archery surpassed the Galapagos Archipelago (the discovery of evolution is awesome, but… bows and arrows) In a surprise upset, Joan of Arc beat out Ted Mosby, architect. It is a … Continue reading

ARCH MADNESS: Round 1 Results

ARCH MADNESS: Round 1 Results

Your votes are in for Arch Madness Round 1, here are the results! Archbishop of Rome vs. Archgoat (metal band)- WINNER: Archbishop of Rome Archimedes vs. Literary archetypes- WINNER: Archimedes Archie Comics vs. archery- WINNER: Archery Galapagos Archipelago vs. Arc de Triomphe- WINNER: Galapagos Archipelago Ted Mosby, architect vs. Archie Thompson (soccer player)- WINNER: Ted … Continue reading

Arch Madness Round 1 (Results and Commentary)

Arch Madness Round 1 (Results and Commentary)

64 arches began. Only half could handle the stress. Here are the editors’ picks to narrow our original 64 arches down to 32 for round 1 voting in the Punch Bowl’s Arch Madness Tournament: The top-seeded Archbishop of Rome used his pontifical powers to fight off Michael the Archangel’s celestial ones. Metal band Archgoat barely squeezed out … Continue reading

Students to Hold Indifference Rally

Students to Hold Indifference Rally

PHILADELPHIA, PA – A ragtag students group of students at the University of Pennsylvania were talking when they all noticed how indifferent they were to current events. The students, who chose to remain anonymous, were very proud of ignoring the paper, trashing all flyers, and choosing to abstain from voting in any student election. One … Continue reading

What If There Was No Government As We Know It?

What If There Was No Government As We Know It?

It seems that every way guest columnist Brendan Murray looks, governments are letting their people down. Riots and protests in Ukraine. The Arizona legislature passing a bill allowing businesses to turn away gay customers based upon their religious beliefs. Arnold Schwarzenegger refusing to answer my e-mails about whether or not he is going to appear … Continue reading