Our story begins at the Continental Airlines terminal, where Affirmative Action Girl has realized her flight home has been overbooked!
AAG: I need to get to Aspen tonight! How can I get on this flight?
Attendant: Sorry, but we’re way overbooked.
AAG: I must focus my power…….Affirmative Action Girl! Form of……minority!
Attendant: Ah you know what, we do have a seat for you. I thought you were white, and we just couldn’t possibly allow any more white people on this plane ride.
Flight 287 to Aspen, row 3D
AAG: Finally I can relax and get back home. Man though, I wish this person next to me would stop leaning on me. (shoves him)
Stranger: Can I help you?
AAG: My God! It’s the evil Dr. Equal Opportunity!!!!
Meanwhile, at the last frat party of the semester at Penn, we join our hero, whose sexual ambitions fall victim to the hottest girl at the party…
LM: So, what do you think about heading back to my place?
Girl: Um, I don’t think so.
LM: What if I told you that both my dad and my granddad belonged to this frat?
Girl: Tempting, but I just don’t think so.
LM: (aside) Man, this is going to take all the ability I’ve got. (raises arms) BY THE POWER OF MY FATHERS!!!!!!
Girl: Wait, did you say your last name was Finklestein?
Girl: No way! I think our parents used to hook up in the 80’s! If your dad was good enough for my mom, I guess you’re good enough for me!
LM: Hold that thought, whore. What’s this? A text message from Affirmative Action Girl? Halt your advances, I must go to her side!
Flight 287 to Aspen, row 3D
Dr. EO: Aha! I’ve got you now Affirmative Action Girl!
Dr. EO: Scream all you like, we’re thousands of feet in the air. No one can stop me now!
(Loudspeaker): Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We are going to have to make an emergency landing in Kansas City.
Dr. EO: What?!?!? Impossible!
(Loudspeaker): It appears that a man whose great-great-grandfather was the founder of this airline has ordered it.
Dr. EO: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
AAG: And that’s not all….form of Jew! Steward lady, come ova here!
Steward: Yes what’s the problem?
AAG: I was trying to nosh on my kosher meal when this man has the chutzpah to tell me his terrorist friends are gonna blow up Israel!
Steward: Ok security, take him away!
At emergency landing pad in Kansas City. Legacy Man joins Affirmative Action Girl, as Dr. Equal Opportunity is being taken away.
Dr. EO: Well done Legacy Man, and a tip of my hat to your assistant too. You’ve foiled my plans again.
LM: When will you realize that the majority citizens with no connections deserve nothing in life?
Dr. EO: Never! And I’ll be back soon, and this time you’ll be defeated once and for all. But for now there is one last thing I must ask you Affirmative Action Girl.
Dr. EO: How did you send a text message from 40,000 feet in the air?