BOSTON – Inside sources report that at exactly 1:37 last night, college freshman Amy Dixon discovered that her roommate, Tina Brown, was an insufferable bitch.
“You know, when I first met Tina, we were like, best friends. But lately, she’s been acting different. A couple of weeks ago, I caught her staring at my bag of Reeses like she had some kind of problem with it. Don’t you judge me, you ogre! I’ve seen your thighs.”
Still, Amy insists that she withheld judgment until the dramatic events of last week: “when I found out about her and Matt, that was the last fucking straw. Tina is officially the skankiest bitch I have ever met. Legit, I don’t even want to see her face again. She should do us all a favor and wear a bag on her head from now on.”
Following the publication of Tina’s heinous indecencies, witnesses confirmed Amy’s assessment, adding that they actually weren’t that surprised that despite her innocent disposition, Tina was actually a repugnant harpy.
“Tina totally sucks. Literally, she’s the vilest bitch I’ve ever met. We told Amy to stay away from Tina from the start — she was always way too nice to her,” commented Amy’s sorority sister and longtime acquaintance, Maureen Stable.
“I don’t want to say we told her so, but we totally told her so. Tina has always been a backstabbing slut. Honestly, we’re all pretty glad that Amy finally knows the truth.”
During our last interview with Amy, the 18-year-old Communications major expressed a determination to punish her odious hag of a roommate.
“All I can say is, Tina better watch her fucking back from now on. She doesn’t even know what’s coming.”