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Top 6 Reasons Why Pitbull Should Be President

Top 6 Reasons Why Pitbull Should Be President

            Citing a tendency for high public approval towards presidential candidates who were terrible in the entertainment industry (see also: Reagan), Vulture magazine has predicted that rapper and former star of Kim Possible Pitbull will someday be elected to the Oval Office. The reactions to this article are overwhelmingly negative. One commenter observed, … Continue reading

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Dear Amy G

Dear Amy G

The week’s guest column is brought to you directly from our esteemed leader, Empress Amy Gutmann, in the form of a brand-spanking-new advice column. Please enjoy her motherly, sage advice.    I was in VP and overheard a really cute frat bro giving his info on the phone, so I wrote down his name and … Continue reading

CONFIRMED: Taylor Swift is Actually a Robot

CONFIRMED: Taylor Swift is Actually a Robot

In totally unsurprising news, NASA has announced that Taylor Swift is not actually a human being. According to reports, Taylor Swift is a robot, created in 1989 in the nuclear facility labs of rural Pennsylvania. The US government sponsored her creation because they believed they needed a unifying force for all Americans, one stronger and … Continue reading

Things That Mattered To Me This Week: Drake’s A Side Chick, Obama’s Racism, Mother of Six Is Bro-er Than You

Things That Mattered To Me This Week: Drake’s A Side Chick, Obama’s Racism, Mother of Six Is Bro-er Than You

Hello friends, here are some things I found interesting this week. Drake is a Side Chick Nowadays, it’s pretty safe to say that Drake is the number one trending topic on Sportscenter (started from the bottom now we here?). Most recently, the rapper/actor/thumb-with-eyebrows has frequently been seen courtside cheering on his hometown Raptors. However, as … Continue reading

Franklin Field to Become Roman-Style Colosseum

Franklin Field to Become Roman-Style Colosseum

PHILADELPHIA, PA – After a dismal football season, falling attendance rates, and general student apathy, Penn Athletics has decided to implement its ultimate contingency plan. Franklin Field is to become a modern-day Roman Colosseum. Franklin Field is to be rebranded “Franklin Colosseum” and will now host some of the most dangerous (therefore entertaining) games in … Continue reading

Texts from Midterm Nights

Texts from Midterm Nights

Today’s guest column comes from our freshman midterm correspondent, Claudia Hogan, who wishes her beat was something other than exams. Although midterms seem more like an ongoing state of being rather than one discrete week, we as a campus are out of the thick of it (for now). In case you’re already trying to forget … Continue reading

Apple Store “Genius” Not

Apple Store “Genius” Not

In an effort to make a little extra cash on the side, 23 year-old Matthew Clark picked up a part-time job working at the Genius Bar of his local Apple Store. This “Genius” has been an Apple user since age twelve, when he got his first iPod. Clark, who is 5’8’ with brown hair, brown … Continue reading

20 Things About Winter

20 Things About Winter

So despite our best efforts, winter is indeed coming. Yeah, whatever, we get to have the holiday season and stuff but it will also be really cold and really dark for like four months (minimum) so there’s really nothing to actually be happy about. I guess the only things to do are to lace up … Continue reading

Where in the World was Kim Jong-un?

Where in the World was Kim Jong-un?

With reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has allegedly  (and finally) been seen in public, many people are wondering where he has been for the past month. Punch Bowl investigative journalists have obtained authentic, real, and totally legit photographic evidence showing how the supreme leader has been spending his time. In the past month, he: Received … Continue reading

Rap Analytics Part III: Rappers Are Crazy

Rap Analytics Part III: Rappers Are Crazy

Greetings my avid readers AKA mom! So I have a problem. My extensive work in the psych department last semester (shouts out to PSYC160!) has quite near ruined my experience with hip-hop music. The more I listen to rap music, the more I recognize not-so-borderline psychotic behaviors described in class. Oh, you don’t know what … Continue reading

List of Groups Applying for SAC Recognition

List of Groups Applying for SAC Recognition

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Now that SAC has partially lifted its moratorium on student groups, an unnecessarily large number of student groups has attempted applying for funding and recognition. Through some sleuthing, the Punch Bowl has received a partial list of groups applying for recognition: Assorted Glee Club Rejects Assorted Mask & Wig Rejects Assorted [Insert … Continue reading

We’re All Going to Die: Ebola Edition

We’re All Going to Die: Ebola Edition

Today’s guest column comes to us from our resident world health expert, Luke Hoban. Scientists confirmed Tuesday afternoon that a scary-sounding disease previously isolated on a continent that we don’t really pay attention to is now only 1,000 miles away from those of us in the Northeast. The outbreak, which has impacted thousands elsewhere in … Continue reading