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Exposé: Penn Heroin Club

Exposé: Penn Heroin Club

Last weekend, two of our most covert reporters, freshmen Dan Loud and Tom Nowlan went undercover to learn more about heroin use at Penn. Eh, who are we kidding, they just went out normally, students have no qualms talking to us about drug habits.  Philadelphia, PA- A dingy frat basement. Lou Reed plays loudly through … Continue reading

SPEC, NORAD Announce Kesha Tracker

SPEC, NORAD Announce Kesha Tracker

Penn’s Social Planning and Events Committee has teamed up with the North American Aerospace Defense Command to release a Kesha tracker in advance of her appearance at Franklin Field tonight. It was a hugely unexpected move, as Kesha in no way Tweeted (and immediately deleted) an announcement of the site’s existence. After that definitely-not-a-snafu, the first 500 … Continue reading

Hillary Clinton Is Better Than You

Hillary Clinton Is Better Than You

The entire nation was “shocked” this past Sunday when Hillary Clinton announced the start of her campaign for the presidency in 2016. Now while I don’t have any beef with the Hill-dog, her announcement had all of the tact of a Marshawn Lynch touchdown celebration. Let me paint the scene for you here. The announcement … Continue reading

Other Hillarys I Am Ready For

Other Hillarys I Am Ready For

On this night, we ask, “Why is this Hillary different from all the other Hillarys?” Here, I present some other Hillarys (well, Hilarys) that I am equally, if not more, ready for. Hilary Duff’s relationship with Aaron Carter Hilary Duff dropping a new album The next episode of that new TV show starring Hilary Duff Fashion … Continue reading

The Adventures of Cyril: Chapter One

The Adventures of Cyril: Chapter One

That Cyril was almost positive he’d walked in on his new roommate masturbating didn’t bode especially well for their friendship. Not that he’d seen anything, but the shuffling sounds and the guilty look seemed . . . suspect. It was all impossibly crucial now, could he bring it up? A flippant, “Ha, almost caught you!” … Continue reading

Ke$ha Lyrics Explained

Ke$ha Lyrics Explained

“We R Who We R” Here, Ke$ha is empowering the nation’s youth who are lost in the struggle of self-identity. Born in Los Angeles, but raised in Nashville, Ke$ha was exposed to a variety of lifestyles. She empowers her young, largely effeminate audience to embrace themselves, and b who they really want to b. “Now the dudes … Continue reading

Punch Bowl Endorses Amy Gutmann for UA SAS Rep

Punch Bowl Endorses Amy Gutmann for UA SAS Rep

The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl is proud to announce that we are officially endorsing President Amy Gutmann for the position of Undergraduate Assembly SAS Representative. We believe that President Gutmann’s platform of increasing mental health resources and visibility, cracking down on sexual assault, and raising billions of dollars while on the UA makes her the most qualified candidate. We see … Continue reading

Penn’s Newest Senior Societies

Penn’s Newest Senior Societies

Penn’s growing student body can only mean one thing: more specific senior societies are necessary! There’s no limit to how many senior societies can exist. Still haven’t found your fit? Here are the new senior societies this year that might cater to your needs: Wand, exclusively for lesbian magicians at Penn Clay, catering to pottery … Continue reading

MARK MADNESS ELITE EIGHT RESULTS AND PREVIEW

MARK MADNESS ELITE EIGHT RESULTS AND PREVIEW

The Elite Eight results are in! Here’s what our Mark experts think about this round: Marksmanship (7) v. Mark Ruffalo (1): YES, THE REIGN OF RUFFALO IS OVER. FUCK YOU MARK RUFFALO, AND YOUR UNDERSTATED REPUTATION AS A TALENTED AND HANDSOME ACTOR!!!          -Karl Mark Twain (1) v. Mark Hamill (6): Jedis have proved no … Continue reading

MARK MADNESS SWEET SIXTEEN RESULTS

MARK MADNESS SWEET SIXTEEN RESULTS

The results are in for Mark Madness’s Sweet Sixteen round! Make sure to vote in the Elite Eight round HERE! Mark Ruffalo (1) vs. Mark from work (4): Man, Mark from work, I’m really sorry, but . . . you’re done. No, not just from the tournament, from this office. What, you thought the stipulation that if … Continue reading

UA To Double Wharton Representation

UA To Double Wharton Representation

As UA elections come to a close, Punch Bowl’s legislative correspondent and guest columnist Tom Nowlan reports on some changes to the electoral process. In a long-anticipated move, Penn’s Undergraduate Assembly voted to double the number of representatives from the Wharton School, beginning in the 2015-16 legislative year. The body’s bylaws now dictate that, during … Continue reading

MARK MADNESS ROUND 1 RESULTS

MARK MADNESS ROUND 1 RESULTS

On Saturday night, the polls closed for the first round of MARK MADNESS. We had a total of 234 votes in this round, and this is what the people voted for: MARK RUFFALO (1) vs. Karl Marx (8): In what was a surprisingly contentious first round match-up, handsome and talented actor Mark Ruffalo barely defeated the proletariat … Continue reading