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Sex, Lies, and Jokes About Wawa: Some Final Thoughts on Punch Bowl
And so, this is it. I told myself I wouldn’t cry, but now here I am, weeping all over this bowl of freshly-chopped onions like a dramatic baby. Why am I tearing up? Because this is the final thing I will produce for this organization, assuming those Punch Bowl-brand assless chaps never come to fruition. … Continue reading »
NEW PENN PRE-ORIENTATION PROGRAMS ANNOUNCED FOR 2013!
In the upcoming fall, Penn will be doing away with the traditional series of pre-orientation programs to embrace the changing needs of its incoming students. The Punch Bowl is pleased to announce this radical new set of pre-orientation programs that will be offered to the incoming freshman class this August. Penntacle Penntacle welcomes incoming freshmen … Continue reading »
DO, BUT MAKE SURE: Guidelines For Scoutmasters To Conduct An Instructive, Inclusive and Homosexual-Free-And-Tolerant Camping Trip Without Any Of That Gay Shit
The governing board of the Boy Scouts of America on Friday recommended ending the organization’s ban on openly gay Scouts but keeping its prohibition on gay troop leaders. April 19, 2013 The Washington Post From the “Do, But Make Sure” camping section of the BSA’s newest instruction manual for scoutmasters: DO: Actively point out and … Continue reading »
Top Ten Ways to Stop Procrastinating
Top Ten Ways to Stop Procrastinating… and write that goddamn essay Look at pictures of ugly animals Call your parents Attempt to clean your room Start writing a cover letter Make an effort to find a night that at least eight Penn students are free for dinner Strive to figure out what’s wrong with your … Continue reading »
BREAKING NEWS: Obama Surprises the Nation with the Announcement of his Impending Sex Change
WASHINGTON, DC – Washington, DC’s preternatural calm was disturbed Sunday night upon President Obama’s announcement of his impending sex change. The President broke the news to the nation on live television in a speech delivered from the White House. “Look guys, I’m not going to let my position as the most powerful man in the … Continue reading »
Meditations of A Bitter Student Walking Down Locust in the Spring
I can hear the sound waves stretching out already, some repetition of a recycled electronic rhythm rolling across campus over and over again. Some crowds of guys, walking around with the pretense of purpose, but their eyes betray their lack of destination. And several girls, strutting down the tarmac in tank tops, now smiling because … Continue reading »
50 Songs Titles That Sound Like Lame Superhero Names
Ramblin’ Man – The Allman Brothers Band Broken Hearted Girl – Beyonce Dizzy Miss Lizzie – The Beatles Sexy Bitch – David Guetta Lonely Boy – The Black Keys Minnie the Moocher – Cab Calloway Rock Lobster – The B-52’s American Baby – DMB Aubrey – Bread Taxman – The Beatles Foxy Lady – … Continue reading »
BREAKING NEWS: Penn’s Weather Machine Discovered
Check out this groundbreaking news story from Punch Bowl guest columnist, Andres Gonzalez! PHILADELPHIA, PA – Investigators have found a “Weather Manipulation Machine” underneath the University of Pennsylvania’s College Hall. The recent change in temperature can be attributed to the Admissions Office, who has been manipulating the weather to attract prospective students. “Listen, we know … Continue reading »
How History Is Really Determined
M.A.S.H. (Mansion/Apartment/Shack/House) Mary I of England (Bloody Mary) Husband Honeymoon Job Salary Ivan “the Terrible” IV France Supermodel Nothing, you are a woman! The cute stable boy Swampland Mass murderer Nothing, you are a woman! Philip of Spain Antarctica Queen of England Nothing, you are a woman! Oliver Cromwell Scotland Queen of Spain Nothing, you … Continue reading »
Bravo’s Sexy New Shows!
Bravo has a whole slate of new shows ready for the summer. Check out the finest programming the network has to offer! Model Moms -Watch five models try to do the impossible—work a job and raise a child at the same time! Whether they’re walking the runway or walking a stroller, whether they’re changing wardrobe … Continue reading »
BREAKING NEWS: Kim Jung Un Revealed to be a Giant Cat In Disguise
SEOUL – In a stunning discovery this week by eagle-eyed reporter Clipper Fishman, Kim Jung Un has been revealed to be an enormous cat wearing an elaborate human disguise. “This really explains a lot about North Korea’s recent foreign policy decisions,” President Obama was quoted as saying. “We have a much better idea of how … Continue reading »
Ted Bundy admitted to frat because he “slays bitches”
Freshman pledge Ted Bundy was immediately made a brother in Beta Epsilon fraternity after explaining to house members that he had slayed four bitches during the previous evening. “I slayed two in one night once…I thought I pulled, but apparently I’m nothing!” pledgemaster and senior Jeff Murray admitted, who said that Bundy’s number was a … Continue reading »
If Pharaoh Were a High School Girl
Brought to you by Punch Bowl guest columnist, Myles Wolfe. Dear Diary, Like what’s up with Moses lately? Yesterday I texted him to hang out and he goes “no can’t now, busy delivering the Jewish people from bondage.” And I was like “OH MY GOSH you can’t just tell me we can go to … Continue reading »
Pro-Tyga Protests Grow Against SPEC
with reporting contributed by Kimon Triantfyllou SPEC’s decision to rescind Tyga’s invitation is the latest in invitation-induced controversies to descend upon Penn’s campus. The trouble began with the publication of Tyga lyrics across campus, peppered with such choice phrases as “Treat her like a dog, called the bitch lassy” and “Bitches stand on their feet, … Continue reading »
Ocelot: A Secret Freshmen Society
Silence, everyone! Welcome to the first-ever meeting of the Ocelot Secret Freshmen Society. As you all know, we have assembled all of the most promising freshmen at our fair university to form a group of extraordinary power and influence. Now, I shall announce each of the members of our prestigious organization: Maya Middlestone, a major … Continue reading »
Penn in Graphs
Over my past few semesters at Penn, I have been collecting data regarding various subjects. Recently, I compiled and graphed the data and came to some very profound conclusions. Here is what I came up with – click to view!
UA Candidate Blurbs
As you can tell by the giant flaps of paper tied to trees, it’s UA Election season. The UA Elections are monumentally unimportant and understandably you owe it to yourself to make an informed decision. You don’t have to let the corny slogans and bad name puns speak for themselves though, as surprisingly the candidates are capable of communicating … Continue reading »
Congress Passes Bill Making “Dick Move” a Federal Offense
WASHINGTON, DC— In a controversial decision, Congress passed a bill last Monday classifying “dick moves” as a federal crime. The bill, otherwise known as The Dick Move Prevention Act of 2013, would allow for the federal prosecution of offenses such as double dipping, farting in elevators, and eating all of the Nutter Butters when they … Continue reading »
Punch Bowl’s New Line of Products Just For Women!
In this man-centric world, too many products are designed with the masculine brain in mind. Women have long craved products tailored to their tastes… and now they can have them! From the people who brought you the BIC© For Her Ballpoint Pens comes a new line of products designed by men, just for women! Introducing… … Continue reading »
