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Super (Punch) Bowl Preview

Super (Punch) Bowl Preview

GLENDALE, ARIZONA—This Sunday, the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks will meet at University of Phoenix Stadium to contest Super Bowl XLIX. The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl will be covering the game, since we are a Serious News Organization™, and I’ve got your preview right here. Check back tomorrow for our Super (Punch) Bowl Mailbag Extravaganza. What … Continue reading

Why Does Everyone Have Balls On Their Mind?

Why Does Everyone Have Balls On Their Mind?

This past week, the New England Patriots’ dominant 45 – 7 win in the AFC championship against the Indianapolis Colts was overshadowed by balls. Soft, leathery, ellipsoid balls. Now dubbed “DeflateGate”, the New England Patriots are accused of doing tinkering with their balls. (For those unfamiliar with the finer points of how balls work, softer balls are much … Continue reading

10 Pics and Gifs That You Can Totally Relate To

10 Pics and Gifs That You Can Totally Relate To

Finals season is a marvelous time for us college kids of America. Waking up on the morning of Reading Days and seeing the myriad of Buzzfeed links on Facebook is like Christmas morning and every emoji and “#procrastination” that accompanies these links is a present sitting under the tree. And sure, maybe America has seen enough … Continue reading

New App Combines Tinder, GrubHub, BuzzFeed Quizzes

New App Combines Tinder, GrubHub, BuzzFeed Quizzes

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Engineering entrepreneur Michael Zach-Lee believes he has coded the next big thing for college students. His new ProcrastiDate app combines the shallowness of Tinder with the convenience of GrubHub with the banality of BuzzFeed quizzes. According to Zach-Lee, users log in with their Facebook accounts and make a GrubHub order. While waiting … Continue reading

Top 6 Reasons Why Pitbull Should Be President

Top 6 Reasons Why Pitbull Should Be President

            Citing a tendency for high public approval towards presidential candidates who were terrible in the entertainment industry (see also: Reagan), Vulture magazine has predicted that rapper and former star of Kim Possible Pitbull will someday be elected to the Oval Office. The reactions to this article are overwhelmingly negative. One commenter observed, … Continue reading

Dear Amy G

Dear Amy G

The week’s guest column is brought to you directly from our esteemed leader, Empress Amy Gutmann, in the form of a brand-spanking-new advice column. Please enjoy her motherly, sage advice.    I was in VP and overheard a really cute frat bro giving his info on the phone, so I wrote down his name and … Continue reading

CONFIRMED: Taylor Swift is Actually a Robot

CONFIRMED: Taylor Swift is Actually a Robot

In totally unsurprising news, NASA has announced that Taylor Swift is not actually a human being. According to reports, Taylor Swift is a robot, created in 1989 in the nuclear facility labs of rural Pennsylvania. The US government sponsored her creation because they believed they needed a unifying force for all Americans, one stronger and … Continue reading

Things That Mattered To Me This Week: Drake’s A Side Chick, Obama’s Racism, Mother of Six Is Bro-er Than You

Things That Mattered To Me This Week: Drake’s A Side Chick, Obama’s Racism, Mother of Six Is Bro-er Than You

Hello friends, here are some things I found interesting this week. Drake is a Side Chick Nowadays, it’s pretty safe to say that Drake is the number one trending topic on Sportscenter (started from the bottom now we here?). Most recently, the rapper/actor/thumb-with-eyebrows has frequently been seen courtside cheering on his hometown Raptors. However, as … Continue reading

Franklin Field to Become Roman-Style Colosseum

Franklin Field to Become Roman-Style Colosseum

PHILADELPHIA, PA – After a dismal football season, falling attendance rates, and general student apathy, Penn Athletics has decided to implement its ultimate contingency plan. Franklin Field is to become a modern-day Roman Colosseum. Franklin Field is to be rebranded “Franklin Colosseum” and will now host some of the most dangerous (therefore entertaining) games in … Continue reading

Texts from Midterm Nights

Texts from Midterm Nights

Today’s guest column comes from our freshman midterm correspondent, Claudia Hogan, who wishes her beat was something other than exams. Although midterms seem more like an ongoing state of being rather than one discrete week, we as a campus are out of the thick of it (for now). In case you’re already trying to forget … Continue reading

Apple Store “Genius” Not

Apple Store “Genius” Not

In an effort to make a little extra cash on the side, 23 year-old Matthew Clark picked up a part-time job working at the Genius Bar of his local Apple Store. This “Genius” has been an Apple user since age twelve, when he got his first iPod. Clark, who is 5’8’ with brown hair, brown … Continue reading