Area Man Can Find the Size of Any Two-Dimensional Shape

Area Man Can Find the Size of Any Two-Dimensional Shape

Freshman reporter Jonah Arnheim with the latest in mathematical news. PHILADELPHIA, PA – Area man Eric Warren reveals his unique ability to find the size of any two dimensional shape, no matter the length or height. “Circles, rectangles, triangles, parallelograms, trapezoids, ellipses, pentagons, hexagons, heptagons, octagons, nonagons, decagons (regular and irregular), hendecagons, dodecagons, triskaidecagons, tetrakaidecagons, … Continue reading

A Farewell to Patience

A Farewell to Patience

Punch Bowl columnist Mike Coyne takes us inside of the mind of a college student who just can’t take that one kid in class anymore. Goodness me, this is like the seventh time you’re raising your hand today. Listen, I’ve seen your hand go up to answer more times than my mom’s during an episode of … Continue reading

Hells Angels Colonizing on Penn’s Campus

Hells Angels Colonizing on Penn’s Campus

Freshman Punch Bowl contributor Ezra Brooks weighs in on Penn’s newest gang.  By now we’ve all seen them. You know who I’m talking about. The people you know you shouldn’t judge based solely on appearance because Humans of New York says they’ve got backstories that are super deep, but you are totally going to judge by … Continue reading

God Still Undecided On Which NFL QB He Loves Best

God Still Undecided On Which NFL QB He Loves Best

Pearly Gates, HEAVEN — It’s no secret that this year has been especially unkind to pious players in the NFL. Tim Tebow rose again on the third day of training camp only to be re-crucified by Chip Kelly’s 2 AM drunk Madden coaching tactics. All three Redskins quarterbacks, all of whom are outspoken Christians, are either injured or … Continue reading

Thousands Still in Line Waiting to see Pope Francis

Thousands Still in Line Waiting to see Pope Francis

Punch Bowl sophomore Daniel Loud and his team of faithful reporters has the story on this week’s fiercest band of Philadelphia zealots. This past Sunday evening, Pope Francis boarded a plane from Philadelphia and returned to the Vatican in Rome after saying a beautiful mass at the World Gathering of Families on the Benjamin Franklin Parkway. Attendance at … Continue reading

OCR Translations

OCR Translations

Selling yourself can be hard; sometimes you just haven’t picked the right pictures for your Tinder profile. When it comes to OCR, your physical appearance is still probably extremely important because that’s how the world works, but selling your major is the really tricky part (we’re looking at you Arts & Sciences). Thankfully, Punch Bowl … Continue reading

Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Move Off-Campus

Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Move Off-Campus

Following a lengthy battle with its governing body, The University of Pennsylvania’s Board of Trustees voted this week to move off-campus. The Board – the most powerful administrative and financial body on campus – made the unanimous decision Friday to cut official ties with the University. The vote came following a protracted battle between the Board … Continue reading

We Are All David Cameron

We Are All David Cameron

Official Punch Bowl political commentator Luke Hoban has a few things to say about the activities of one David Cameron, Prime Minister of Great Britain On Sunday, the globe sat transfixed as Hamm got the better of another decorated man. I’m talking of course about the Bae of Pigs “scandal,” in which UK Prime Minister … Continue reading

Wow! This Freshman Made It Back From His BYO

Wow! This Freshman Made It Back From His BYO

PHILADELPHIA, PA — While the rest of the Penn community idled away last night either “sleeping” or “studying,” freshman Jon Freeman faced a trek that would make Bilbo Baggins shit his britches. Although it did not come without a significant struggle, it has been reported that Freeman has indeed made it back to the Quad … Continue reading

Punch Bowl’s Guide to Friendship

Punch Bowl’s Guide to Friendship

Local columnist Mike Coyne has a few pieces of friendship advice. Still trying to make friends on campus? Fear not, freshmen who can no longer stand their NSO “friends” and/or lonely upperclassmen — you just haven’t been asking the right questions. Punch Bowl can help! The truth is, sometimes asking the hardest questions is the easiest … Continue reading

GOP Candidates Attend Pancake Party Before Debate

GOP Candidates Attend Pancake Party Before Debate

Guest Columnist Scott Rubenstein offers a journalistic run-down of the pancake party traditionally held for all candidates the night before the second GOP debate. SEPTEMBER 15, 2015, SIMI VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Just one evening before taking the stage at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the Republican presidential candidates hosted an open pancake party for the … Continue reading

Why Don’t People Care About Bees Anymore?

Why Don’t People Care About Bees Anymore?

Is this still the 21st century? Is Obama still president? Ares bees still the most effective pollen collectors from Phylum Arthropoda? What happened? Bees used be all the rage, but now it seems like they’ve simply been forgotten by everyone besides myself and my fellow apiarists. The bee (or Clade Anthophila for the egocentric ignoramuses … Continue reading

NSO In Review

NSO In Review

The Punch Babies who attended the first Punch Bowl meeting recapped their NSO experiences, and we turned it into a column. If you too are interested in becoming a Punch Baby, Punch Boss, Punch Banker,  Punch Baller, Punch Bawler, or a Punch Brawler, email thepunchbowl@gmail.com Things I Unintentionally Learned During NSO Penn State probably parties harder … Continue reading