Things Unintentionally Learned During NSO

Things Unintentionally Learned During NSO

At our weekly ritual gathering this past week, the newest batch of young Punch Bowlers told the rest of us what they unintentionally learned during NSO… Outdoor couches are excellent places to pass out Pants = towel Don’t talk to the person in the stall next to you… especially in the gender neutral restroom All … Continue reading

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Fall Fashion Tips – Pit Stains

Fall Fashion Tips – Pit Stains

With a new school year upon us it seems like all of us here at Penn are looking to revamp our wardrobes to be trendy, stylish, and totally the scene. But, with all of these fashion tips crowding the internet, it’s hard to keep up. Real hard. Are those jeans too skinny? Do stripes and … Continue reading

Rick James: Behind the Cocaine

Rick James: Behind the Cocaine

This column is brought to you by music correspondent and Rick James enthusiast, Miguel Davila. Rick James is one of the most prolific cocaine users of all time. This much we know, thanks to Charlie Murphy. He went harder than all but a few ever have. It’s unfortunate, though, that he is only known to … Continue reading

Honest Penn News Today

Honest Penn News Today

Super Sabbatical Summer Tenured and soon to be retired Professor Goldstein of the Physics Department decided to spend the summer traveling the world. He backpacked through Europe, climbed Mt. Everest, and zip-lined through caves. Dr. Goldstein reflected on his experience, stating “it feels so good to be out of the lab and away from those … Continue reading

Pottruck Gym to Offer Residential Program

Pottruck Gym to Offer Residential Program

The David Pottruck Health and Fitness Center will be offering a new residential program for the Fall 2014 semester. The Dwellings for Youthful Exercise and Lifting (DYEL) program is currently taking applications for freshmen and upperclassmen to live and lift inside Pottruck Gym. The program is said to focus on weightlifting, strength conditioning, and making … Continue reading

Finding The Fetchingest Fetus

Finding The Fetchingest Fetus

Sophomore guest columnist Sam Anthony reports on the latest progression in the world of pre-natal pageantry.  The moment you are born, as the saying goes, you begin to die.  Few are more aware of that sad fact than those who make their living hosting childrens’ beauty pageants.  Increasingly, these professional pageant hosts from all around … Continue reading

Riepe Cookie Nights: It’s Not the Sugar

Riepe Cookie Nights: It’s Not the Sugar

As the semester winds down, freshman guest columnist Camille Jwo reflects back on Riepe Cookie Nights. Riepe House Dean and Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences Dean DeTurck recently revealed that he has been using cookie night to study the effects of an experimental new drug on aggressive behavior in Riepe residents. DeTurck … Continue reading

Squirrel Found Guilty for Quad Robberies

Squirrel Found Guilty for Quad Robberies

Sources have confirmed that a slew of robberies throughout the Quad have been traced back to a single squirrel who gained entry through an opened window on the Fisher-Hassenfeld third floor. Upon entering the Quad, the malefactor ravaged a bowl of Hershey Kisses and Starbursts, leaving a trail of candy wrappers and fecal matter throughout his … Continue reading

Film Haikus

Film Haikus

Between doing hard work preparing for finals in the library, going out on the town with my friends, and weeping inconsolably in Frontera while listening to Leona Lewis, I have not had the time to sit down for two hours and enjoy a high-quality film. I imagine you have had this struggle as well, avid … Continue reading

All Penn Food Trucks To Become BYOs

All Penn Food Trucks To Become BYOs

Starting next week, all food trucks on Penn’s campus will become BYOs. While typical BYOs occur in large, spacious restaurants, students will now be able to bring their own into any food truck they desire. This new initiative is being spearheaded by PAFT, the Penn Association of Food Trucks. “I think this is a great … Continue reading

Penn Students Begin Protesting Fling Artists

Penn Students Begin Protesting Fling Artists

As Spring Fling approaches, many student groups have began to speak out against this year’s fling performers. Penn Social Planning and Events Committee (SPEC) found itself in a similar position last Spring Fling when students protested the choice of Tyga. While students were solely opposed to the misogynistic lyrics of Tyga last year, they have … Continue reading