Bachelor Shocks the Nation by Choosing Himself

Bachelor Shocks the Nation by Choosing Himself

Katie Sgarro, junior and Bachelor enthusiast, takes on Juan Pablo following The Bachelor finale. What produces more tears than an 8 A.M. recitation at DRL? Juan Pablo Galavis, the latest star of The Bachelor. America watched as the man deemed worthy of practicing polygamy for several months caused multiple women to ugly cry. After America experienced … Continue reading

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Penn Reading Project 2014-2015 to Focus on Anime Porn

Penn Reading Project 2014-2015 to Focus on Anime Porn

After weeks of deliberation, the Penn Reading Project committee decided that the 2014-2015 program will focus on comic book anime porn. Incoming freshmen will be mailed three different issues of anime porn drawn by some of the world’s leading visionaries and artists. Due to concerns of parents and Upenn administrators, all packages will be delivered … Continue reading

Florida Man Uncharacteristically Normal

Florida Man Uncharacteristically Normal

HIALEAH, FL: In an astonishing turn of events, Florida man Charles Gibson has done nothing particularly shocking for the past 72 hours. “It’s really surprising to everyone that I’ve made it this far,” admits Charles, fidgeting uncomfortably on his half futon that he claims to have discovered generously dusted with cocaine and lit on fire … Continue reading

Safety Is Not A Joke

Safety Is Not A Joke

Today is Spring Break Eve, which means throughout the day thousands of college students will be travelling to exotic destinations all around the world to enjoy a well-deserved week of sun, booze, and hepatitis-filled tap water. In order to keep you safe this spring break, the Pennsylvania Punch Bowl has translated a few of the … Continue reading

A Open Letter to the Women of Penn Regarding BRF

A Open Letter to the Women of Penn Regarding BRF

Bitchy Resting Face, commonly known as BRF, is plaguing the Penn community. The Punch Bowl sent in special correspondent Katie Sgarro to investigate: For those members of the Penn community who are not already aware, the acronym BRF stands for the unfortunate condition known as “Bitchy Resting Face.” Ever walked down Locust Walk, looked up, … Continue reading

Joe Biden Names Arkansas 2014 State of the Union

Joe Biden Names Arkansas 2014 State of the Union

Punch Bowl freshman and guest columnist, Luke Hoban reporting from Washington DC.  Media attention has focused on President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address over the last few weeks. However, late Monday night it was announced that Vice President Joe Biden had come to a decision, naming Arkansas to be Official 2014 State of … Continue reading

What You Can Do When You’re Eighteen

What You Can Do When You’re Eighteen

Punch Bowl freshman and resident young’n, Sheida Takmil recently turned 18. Here is her story. Eighteen: a number, a milestone, a lifestyle. The feeling of the 18th birthday is unlike any other: you are no longer a child. You are now a warrior. For any 1995 babies milking out every golden moment left of the … Continue reading

Valentine’s Day Poems and Neurotic Eroticisms

Valentine’s Day Poems and Neurotic Eroticisms

Can you feel it? All that love in the air? Can someone get some Febreze in here ASAP? Whether you’re spending today with your significant other/friends/Netflix/insignificant other/pizza delivery guy, it’s always good to be prepared with poetry. Check out these poems from all of us here at The Punch Bowl, guaranteed to set the mood … Continue reading

BREAKING: Stray Dog Wins Luge Olympic Gold Medal

BREAKING: Stray Dog Wins Luge Olympic Gold Medal

In a shocking and adorable turn of events, stray dog Vladimir Puptin won the gold medal in today’s women’s singles luge competition. Prior to the Sochi Winter Olympics, the Sochi government tried to eliminate all the stray dogs in the city, saying they were “wild and dangerous.” However, rescuers and law enforcement failed to capture … Continue reading