The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

Sex, Lies, and Jokes About Wawa: Some Final Thoughts on Punch Bowl

And so, this is it. I told myself I wouldn’t cry, but now here I am, weeping all over this bowl of freshly-chopped onions like a dramatic baby. Why am I tearing up? Because this is the final thing I will produce for this organization, assuming those Punch Bowl-brand assless chaps never come to fruition. … Continue reading »

NEW PENN PRE-ORIENTATION PROGRAMS ANNOUNCED FOR 2013!

In the upcoming fall, Penn will be doing away with the traditional series of pre-orientation programs to embrace the changing needs of its incoming students. The Punch Bowl is pleased to announce this radical new set of pre-orientation programs that will be offered to the incoming freshman class this August. Penntacle Penntacle welcomes incoming freshmen … Continue reading »

Top Ten Ways to Stop Procrastinating

Top Ten Ways to Stop Procrastinating… and write that goddamn essay Look at pictures of ugly animals Call your parents Attempt to clean your room Start writing a cover letter Make an effort to find a night that at least eight Penn students are free for dinner Strive to figure out what’s wrong with your … Continue reading »

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Surprises the Nation with the Announcement of his Impending Sex Change

WASHINGTON, DC – Washington, DC’s preternatural calm was disturbed Sunday night upon President Obama’s announcement of his impending sex change. The President broke the news to the nation on live television in a speech delivered from the White House. “Look guys, I’m not going to let my position as the most powerful man in the … Continue reading »

Meditations of A Bitter Student Walking Down Locust in the Spring

I can hear the sound waves stretching out already, some repetition of a recycled electronic rhythm rolling across campus over and over again. Some crowds of guys, walking around with the pretense of purpose, but their eyes betray their lack of destination. And several girls, strutting down the tarmac in tank tops, now smiling because … Continue reading »

The Tragedy of the Commons

Punch Bowl War Correspondent Nikhil Menezes transcribes an anonymous account from newly declassified documents. They tell of a war, now forgotten. Day 1 I heard a few kids whispering amongst themselves the other day, something about 1920 Commons having had enough. But I couldn’t take it seriously; Commons had been the universal punching bag of … Continue reading »

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Titanic with Ayn Rand

What would happen if Ayn Rand were in the greatest love story ever told? Edward Lando finds out. ______ Ayn sees something in the water. AYN What’s that? Jack sees what she is pointing to, and they make for it together. It is a piece of wooden debris. He pushes Ayn up and she slithers … Continue reading »

Breaking News: Beyoncé Not Chosen As New Pope

Check out this hot new story from Punch Bowl contributor, Myles Wolfe. VATICAN CITY – When the new Pope was announced yesterday, the world was shocked- shocked the voting happened so quickly, shocked they chose the first pope from the Americas, but, most importantly, shocked that it wasn’t Beyoncé. Around the world, Beyoncé fans, teenage … Continue reading »

Exclusive Spring Fling Artist Release: Ups & Downs Episode 4

SPEC Concerts Directors Sam Gorski, Dorian Mendoza, and Ronnie DiSimone join Sam to discuss Spring Fling 2013 and reveal the first extraordinarily talented Fling artist.

How to get a bus from New York to Philadelphia on a Sunday

Punch Bowl sophomore, Hamza Qaiser enlightens us on how to get a bus from New York to Philly on a Sunday. Step 1: Don’t. Step 2: Alright fine, maybe you NEED to be in class on Monday because your prick of a professor wants to quiz you or some shit. But resigning yourself … Continue reading »

Entropy Man

PBN’s Jonathan Calles contributed to this report. PHILADELPHIA, PA — For the past 72 hours, a man on the corner of 34th and Walnut has been performing seemingly random, repetitive tasks. Students have reported that the University of Pennsylvania has been filled with shattered glass, huge piles of refuse and the sound of clanging metal … Continue reading »

The Greatest, Most Comprehensive News Story About Joe Biden As Commencement Speaker Ever

Are you ready for the most amazing foray into the realm of journalism that the world has ever known? Good. Because this is an article about Joe Biden: Vice President, US Senator, and now…commencement speaker. Alright, ready? Here it is… Joe Biden is the Vice President. He is speaking at commencement. This is the news. … Continue reading »

Things to do When Visiting Texas

I recently returned from a trip to an exotic foreign country. A land full of strange customs, untamed wilderness, and people with an affinity for beef smothered in barbeque sauce. Yep, I was in the great country of Texas!* As a New Yorker who has never been to Texas, I was completely blindsided by many … Continue reading »

Magic School Bus Permission Slip

Dear Parent/Guardian, Your child is going on a field trip with Ms. Frizzle’s third grade class. Transportation will be via Magic School Bus. Please fill out this permission slip, cut along the dotted line, and return the bottom half by _________________. —————————————————————————————————————————- _______________________ (child’s name) hereby has my permission to attend a field trip to … Continue reading »

BREAKING NEWS: Tufty the Baby Kiwi Bird Pleads Guilty to Vicious Assault

WHANGANUA – Tufty, an adorable baby Kiwi bird and resident of Whanganua, is faced with charges of first degree assault at a New Zealand court. The trial, which was brought by the bird’s latest victim, has gone on for the last two weeks and is soon to conclude. Tufty was crossing the street near Auckland … Continue reading »

Two Reasons (Other Than The Fact That I Had To Write This) Why I Did Not Watch The Oscars

1) Seth Macfarlane I hate hate hate hate Family Guy. I hate it absolutely. I hate it more than Oscar Pistorius hates the title of the movie Dead Man Walking. I literally can’t stand watching it, and I can’t imagine its creator is any better. Family Guy makes my teeth grate and my fists curl … Continue reading »

Smoke Signals: A Papal Play

List of Characters Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria Cardinal Marc Ouellet of Canada Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana Cardinal Leonardo Sandri of Argentina Cardinal Angelo Scola of Italy Setting The papal conclave is in progress. In the early stages of voting no conclusive vote has yet been reached. Thus, the symbolic black smoke has been … Continue reading »

Heaven Is A Frat

Junior and Frenchman Edward Lando is Punch Bowl’s resident religion expert. He gained international acclaim after publishing “2008 – The Year to End All Years”, “2009- The Tardy Apocalypse”, and “2011- You’re Just Gonna Have to Trust Me On This One”. As he waits for the papacy to review his write-in application for pope, he … Continue reading »

“Swamped”

Jason and Madea

Penn Betches Love This: Beyoncé (The Queen Betch)

From Punch Bowl’s betchiest Betch, Gretchen Weiner. Since a Penn betch is the cream of the crop, it is only natural that her love for Beyoncé, much like her SAT score, is considerably higher than that of the average betch. We have our reasons for exalting the Queen Bey to the goddess status of our … Continue reading »

A Letter From Paul Newman

Hey Punks, I see what you’re doing. Hell, I’ve been watching your little operation for months now. Haven’t seen me? That’s because I’m a goddamn ghost, riding an invisible golden stallion that is driving an even more invisible Porsche 935. You have no idea who you’re dealing with here, kiddies. Remember Cool Hand Luke? To … Continue reading »

The Chip Geometry Paradox

Over the past few years, I have been conducting a rigorous scientific experiment at various social gatherings. To answer your question, yes it was difficult. Especially towards the end when my (so called) friends stopped inviting me back to their social gatherings. No one respects science these days. Anyway, in the name of science, I … Continue reading »

Understanding Senioritis—the Basics

What is Senioritis? Reallyoccus Fuckingus Lazius (Senioritis) is a virus that causes infections in different parts of the body, most notably the brain. It’s tough to treat, since it is resistant to many commonly used stimulants such as Failing, Angry Phone Calls From Your Parents, Adderall, and Feb Club. Though most Senioritis infections aren’t serious, … Continue reading »

Elevator Shakedown

Some of the high rises put up questions to ask the people in the elevator to make rides less awkward. I’ve come up with a list of the things people really want to say: You look familiar, are we Facebook friends? Did you REALLY just press the floor below mine after I pressed my … Continue reading »