The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

College Student Dances with the Devil, Takes Nap Past 10 PM

10:00 PM – After vowing to return to his studies, student Brighton Early set a timer on his phone for thirty minutes and assumed the position for a short nap. This brazen act of late-night napping flew in the face of his circadian rhythm, but Brighton promised himself he would awake with enough time to … Continue reading →

An Honest Guide to Tinder Part II

Still trolling Tinder? So are we! Since Punch Bowl’s last guide to Tinder, the platform has made some changes, so it’s only fitting we do the important public service of providing you with a new set of tips and tricks to sexually confuse and or arouse those within a 25 mile radius—or 85, because sometimes … Continue reading →

Entire Government Recuses Itself from Governing as Conflicts of Interest Loom

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After weeks of investigation into various conflicts of interests throughout the government, the government has decided to recuse itself from governing. Allegations of Russian entanglement, unethical business holdings, and campaign malpractice has plagued the government, prompting it to stop governing in the “best interest of the country.” “I think we’re just going … Continue reading →

Penn Senior Cries Until Thesis Advisor Accepts Final Draft

Penn Senior Lawrence Castles (C ’17) tried a new tactic to get his thesis through its final stages: tears. “I just couldn’t take it anymore,” said Castles, verging on tears as he recounted the incident, “I knew my argument wasn’t really complete and there were some tautologies in my conclusion, but I’m a second semester … Continue reading →

Little Known Clause in Irish Constitution Makes Everybody Irish on St. Patrick’s Day

“We’re all Irish on St. Paddy’s day bro!” We’ve all heard this proud boast from our bros throughout America. Ten drinks deep by 11 a.m., it seems like a fair assessment to somebody of any background. When you can’t walk in a straight line without calling your ex, it only seems natural that you’ve earned … Continue reading →

Student Leaves Recitation for Seven Minutes to take “Phone Call”

DAVID RITTENHOUSE LABS — A MATH 114 student reportedly left his recitation for seven minutes to take a “phone call” last week. Although no witness heard his phone vibrating or ringing in any fashion, when he returned to his seat, student Darrell Rhea insisted to his nearby acquaintances that he was just “taking a phone … Continue reading →

President Trump Reacts to NCAA Tournament on Twitter

@realDonaldTrump had much to say about the start of March Madness. Here are some of his top tweets. “Incredible that Norte Dame almost lost to Princeton — one of the worst schools! I would know cause I went to the best school, the Wharton School of Finance.” “We had such a great rally in Wilmington, … Continue reading →

Penn Students Witness Proletarian Revolution on Spring Break

A group of roughly 800 Penn Students were witness to a workers revolution in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico—colloquially known as PV—this past week while vacationing in the resort town for Spring Break. Local outlets report that resort workers went on strike for wages “commensurate with the amount of vomit they have to deal with on a … Continue reading →

Acquaintance in Elevator Also Pleased by Recent Weather

PHILADELPHIA — The weather has reached a pleasant zone here in Philadelphia, PA and everyone seems to be enjoying it. Today the temperature was all the way up in the 70s. Isn’t that so nice? Everyone across campus is happy about it. According to Jeff Staten (C’19) even the people you have awkward encounters with are … Continue reading →

The Real Reason Frontera is so Slow

Here at The Punchbowl we love SABSing and all things tangentially related to Mexico. So, naturally, you must be thinking WOW I bet you guys really like chipotle! Well, the truth is we like Qdoba better. But the other truth is that we like Frontera best. A special spot where your taste buds can ride … Continue reading →

Mart Madness – Round I Recap, Round II Preview

32 Marts entered, and only 16 remain. VOTE IN THE SWEET 16 HERE ROUND 1 Strongest Performance: Martin Shkreli might need to write himself a prescription for some painkillers after Martin Scorsese dominated him in the first round. Amassing TEN TIMES as many votes as the ‘pharma bro’, Scorsese is heating up at just the … Continue reading →

Mart Madness Round 1, East Preview

It’s time, folks! Mart Madness is here: which Mart has enough grit to make it all the way, for eternal Mart glory? Be sure to VOTE here! Steve Martin VS Martin Short The selection committee did an excellent job matching up two of the Three Amigos to face off in the first round. Martin, best known … Continue reading →

Trump Decides Not To Cut EPA Budget After Watching WALL-E

After viewing WALL-E last weekend, President Trump took back his promise to slowly dismantle the Environmental Protection Agency, instead pledging his support for environmentalism. “Early on in the campaign, I promised the American people that I would eliminate all of these unnecessary regulations,” Trump said, referring to the environmental protections put into place over the past several decades. “But … Continue reading →

PSA: Don’t Fart and Swipe

Most of us have dabbled in the dating app scene at some point in college. Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, JSwipe, you name it. Some are seriously looking for a special someone, some are swiping “ironically,” and some use it cause they’re just plain bored. If you’re on your dating app of choice swiping away and you … Continue reading →

Penn to Cut Penn Police Budget By Installing Pegs on all Security Bikes

Vice President of Public Safety Maureen Rush announced that the University would cut the Penn Police budget by installing pegs on all security bikes. “We project that the university will save many hundreds of dollars on bike maintenance by cutting our fleet in half,” she said. It has been confirmed that the pegs will be … Continue reading →

What We Sacrificed for the Cubs to Win

It’s hard to remember when things were normal – when there was some sense of order in the universe. Hillary Clinton was going to win, the world seemed stable, and all was good. That all began to change, however, when the Chicago Cubs made it into the World Series. Suddenly, things didn’t seem stable anymore, … Continue reading →

Oscars Envelope Reveals Joe Biden Will Teach at Penn State Next Year

Two days after the Oscars’ already-infamous Best Picture snafu, Amy Gutmann revealed that upon further review, her personal Oscar envelope revealed that Vice President Joe Biden would actually be teaching at Penn State next year, not Penn. “I want to tell you what happened. I opened the envelope and it said: Penn University, Joe Biden. That’s why … Continue reading →

The Internal Monologue of Ivanka Trump

Ever see pictures like the below and wonder what the eldest Trump daughter and probable centrist liberal has really been thinking behind that frosty smile for, like, at least a year-and-a-half? Punch Bowl has some guesses for you. Oh Ivanka, we see right through you. I just wanted to be a Grace Kelly/Sheryl Sandberg mashup … Continue reading →

Sweetgreen Closes to Install More Bread Ovens, Students Lose Collective Minds

Beloved campus fast casual eatery, Sweetgreen, will have to close for a second time this year for renovations and students are not happy about it. Sweetgreen corporate released a statement through Penn administrative channels explaining that due to the frequent shortage of bread that students often complain of, they will be installing two new bread … Continue reading →

Milo Yiannopoulos Reinvited to CPAC After Controversial Healthcare Comments

At a press conference in New York on Tuesday afternoon, Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos asserted that “only white supremacists should receive health insurance.” As a result of his comments, he was re-invited to speak at the Conservative Political Action Conference this weekend. Yiannopoulos was originally uninvited on Monday after a tape surfaced of a January … Continue reading →