“Yeah, I’ve Totally Been Prepping for Social Distancing my Whole Life!” Says Attention-Seeking Extrovert
Op-Ed: How I Got MERTed During Bio Lab
UPenn Announces New “Punch Bowl Only” Wing in Van Pelt Library
New Report Predicts Transportation Trends Coming To Campus
Op-Ed: I Sexually Identify as an “Atlantic Salmon”
The Five Stages of Post-Midterm Grief
7 Things to Do with Leftover V-Day Candy
How To: Enjoy Valentine’s Day ALONE
Psych Student Suffers Mental Breakdown Over First Midterm
Dear Straight White Male, Why Have You Forsaken Me?
Penn’s Super Bowl Commercials that Missed the Cut
OP-ED: Penn Kids Do Not Drink Enough
Super Bowl Ads Spawn Boycotts of 14 Different Companies
Top 10 Things I’ve Accomplished From The Toilet
The Story of How I Deleted My Entire Animation Project the Night Before It Was Due: A Poem
Frat Bro Avoids Coronavirus by only Drinking Natty Lite
Lost Penn Student Diary Has Readers Asking “You Doing Alright Buddy?”
Your Major Based on your Birth Month
SHOCKING! Marketing Major Watches Super Bowl for the Football
Call of Duty Players to be the First WWIII Draftees
Op-Ed: I Identify As A Cool Ranch Dorito
New Finals Season Study Strategy: Compartmentalization
Thanksgiving Haikus 2019
Disgruntled Student Sues Penn
“Mask and Wig” Club Founded for Students Interested in Costume Design
The Nerd’s Guide to Watching Sports
Yikes! All of Woman’s Dance Moves Clearly Learned in Zumba Class
Everything You Need to Know About No Nut November
Penn Issues New Policy: Failing to Preregister Means You Must Drop Out
Don’t Send Nudes; Send Podcast Recommendations
Penn Issues New Red and Navy Blue Dress Code: Estimated to Affect Around 0 Students
The UPenn 2019 Halloween Guide…..CRAP We Missed Our Deadline
Embarrassment for USA: ISIS Leader Killed Was Actually Head of Egyptian Goddess’ Fan Club
Spooky One Liners to get you a Boo
So it’s Basically Christmas (10/29)
MY Overnight Economic Miracle
Ben Franklin Rises- A Halloween Tale
Worldwide Outbreak of “Shitty Week”
A Beginner’s Guide to Breathing
Tragic! Girl Thinks, “Let’s Get Lunch” is Actual Invitation
Halloween Cancelled Due to Literally Every Costume Being Offensive
Pumpkin Spice Flavoring is Among the Top Contributors to Global Climate Change
What To Do When Your Emotional Support Animal Application Is Revoked
Breaking: Girl Completes Marathon in 1:58
Wow! Another Ethan Doesn’t Respect Women!
Local Comedic Writer Out of Ideas
Breaking: XXL Sea-Green Penn Sweatshirt Located in Lost & Found
Electronic Scooters Implicated in Mysterious Lung Disease
