Op-Ed: I Identify As A Cool Ranch Dorito
New Finals Season Study Strategy: Compartmentalization
Thanksgiving Haikus 2019
Disgruntled Student Sues Penn
“Mask and Wig” Club Founded for Students Interested in Costume Design
The Nerd’s Guide to Watching Sports
Yikes! All of Woman’s Dance Moves Clearly Learned in Zumba Class
Everything You Need to Know About No Nut November
Penn Issues New Policy: Failing to Preregister Means You Must Drop Out
Don’t Send Nudes; Send Podcast Recommendations
Penn Issues New Red and Navy Blue Dress Code: Estimated to Affect Around 0 Students
The UPenn 2019 Halloween Guide…..CRAP We Missed Our Deadline
Embarrassment for USA: ISIS Leader Killed Was Actually Head of Egyptian Goddess’ Fan Club
Spooky One Liners to get you a Boo
So it’s Basically Christmas (10/29)
MY Overnight Economic Miracle
Ben Franklin Rises- A Halloween Tale
Worldwide Outbreak of “Shitty Week”
A Beginner’s Guide to Breathing
Tragic! Girl Thinks, “Let’s Get Lunch” is Actual Invitation
Halloween Cancelled Due to Literally Every Costume Being Offensive
Pumpkin Spice Flavoring is Among the Top Contributors to Global Climate Change
What To Do When Your Emotional Support Animal Application Is Revoked
Breaking: Girl Completes Marathon in 1:58
Wow! Another Ethan Doesn’t Respect Women!
Local Comedic Writer Out of Ideas
Breaking: XXL Sea-Green Penn Sweatshirt Located in Lost & Found
Electronic Scooters Implicated in Mysterious Lung Disease
I Want Filas So I Can Go “Stomp Stomp Stomp”
Why Feet Are Actually The WOAT
TOP 5 VAN PELT BAG CHECK BUSTS OF ALL TIME
Find Out What Coffee Matches Your Major/Pre-Professional Aura
The ACTUAL Truth about the Compass
WWII Technology Enthusiast Disappointed by “Tankie” Convention
Girl with “Good Vibes Only” Sticker Emitting Terrible Vibes
Breaking: Students too Busy to Notice Giant, Disembodied Head in Van Pelt Basement
BEST TV SHOWS & MOVIES TO WATCH IN CLASS AND PROBABLY LEARN THE SAME AMOUNT
Breaking: A Girl Is Tired
What to Do When You’re Watching a Show With Your Parents and There’s a Sex Scene
FIVE of the MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS for Penn Newbies—ANSWERED
MADLIBS: Back when I was a freshman…
Freshman Achieves Enlightenment in First Philosophy Class
Chaos at OCR as Wharton is Ghosted by Every Company
Weird Sophomore Goes Two Weeks without Mocking Freshmen
Hurricane Categories as told by a Native Floridian
How to Maintain Self-Esteem When You AREN’T Cat Called
Wharton to Begin Offering “Skills for Avoiding Homeless People on the Street” Class in Fall 2020
“NCH Is Like in the Middle of Nowhere” Says English Major with Four Fisher-Bennett Classes
