Millions of Americans Deflated After Patriots Victory

Millions of Americans Deflated After Patriots Victory

Following their defeat of the Atlanta Falcons in overtime, the New England Patriots celebrated their fifth Super Bowl victory since 2000, leaving millions of watchers across the nation feeling deflated. “Everything was going so well,” reported Falcons supporter Ted McVeigh. “We were up 19 points going into the fourth quarter—I was so pumped up. But … Continue reading

Donald Trump Starts Twitter War with Himself

Donald Trump Starts Twitter War with Himself

Upon being inaugurated, Donald Trump gained control of the official @POTUS Twitter account. Trump gained control of this username in addition to his personal account, which had a large impact on the 2016 election. Trump used Twitter throughout the campaign to insult his rivals, prop himself up, and much more. This made many people curious: … Continue reading

Area Man Checks Fridge, then Pantry, then Fridge

Area Man Checks Fridge, then Pantry, then Fridge

PHILADELPHIA, PA – In what has surely become the biggest plot twist of 2017, local man Brock Lee checked his refrigerator, then his pantry, and then his refrigerator – which contained the same food as it had just sixteen seconds earlier.  Authorities are investigating what happened to cause the food inside the refrigerator to stay … Continue reading

Flurry of Activity at Capogiro Linked to Biden Arrival

Flurry of Activity at Capogiro Linked to Biden Arrival

PHILADELPHIA — Students noticed a flurry of activity outside of Capogiro early Wednesday morning. John Rietano, longtime owner of the successful gelato chain, appeared stressed when questioned. “It’s just uh, well, our business downtown serves pizza now so we’re just trying to shift the focus a bit” he said in between loudly directing the various … Continue reading

2016: A Review

2016: A Review

Dear World, We as Americans have had such a busy and exciting 2016! So much has happened! Things we never thought would happen…happened! We wanted to update our friends, adversaries, frenemies, and downright arch nemeses around the world about all of our adventures over the past year, because we know you all care SO much. … Continue reading

Alternative Stuff

Alternative Stuff

Alternative “a million and a half”: ~250,000 Alternative Fax: Emails Alternative Energy: Fracked oil Alternative Food: Taco bowls Alternative Music: Patriotic Anthems Alternative Right: Wrong! Alternative Dolphins: Porpoises Alternative Medicine: Herbs Alternative Precedent: President Alternative Spring Break: Build a hospital in Nicaragua! Alternative Futures: January 20th, 2017 Alternative Universe: My happy place Alternative Ice Cream Of … Continue reading

How To Use The New High Rise Card Readers

How To Use The New High Rise Card Readers

Recently, the high rises have switched to a new gate entry system, sparking confusion and fear in these uncertain times. Luckily, guest columnist Tristrum Tuttle is here with a handy how-to guide for the new card readers: Walk up to the card reader and punch in your 4-digit PIN. Place your PennCard against the scanner and wait for it … Continue reading

QUIZ: Are you a Westworld Host?

QUIZ: Are you a Westworld Host?

QUIZ: Are You a Westworld Host? Sum up your answers and find out! Do you know where you are? (1)    I’m in a dream. (2)    I think I’m at a desert where you have sex with robots, right? Why are you being so weird right now? I’m paying a lot of money for this. Have … Continue reading