DIY Fling Tank

DIY Fling Tank

Freshman Ezra Brooks might not have a any Spring Flings under his belt yet, but he can help you figure out which tank you should wear… above the belt? Whether you want to craft the dopest motherflinging cashmere tank top knitted from the finest threads, or a 120-ton steel tank, the Punch Bowl has you covered. … Continue reading

Dissatisfaction with Midterm Grades Paralyzes Introductory Political Science Class

Dissatisfaction with Midterm Grades Paralyzes Introductory Political Science Class

A group of dissatisfied freshmen in an unnamed introductory political science course have mutinied, rendering the class’ administration impossible, effectively stalling the class mid-semester.  After receiving grades on their midterm paper assignments, a large contingency of freshmen swarmed their professor at the end of class asking for clarification regarding their grades.  The professor, visiting from … Continue reading

An Honest Guide to Tinder

An Honest Guide to Tinder

Still trying to find love on Tinder? Never fear, Punch Bowl’s simple guide to tinder success is here, and we’re ready to help you match with people on campus who you end up deciding you don’t really want to talk to anymore, have a strange relationship with, or don’t find that attractive after all, but … Continue reading

PennNaps Recap

PennNaps Recap

Freshman Ben Greenberg with the latest on slumber: Last weekend, one of the largest collegiate napathons took place in our very own Engineering Quad. For those unclear on the term, a napathon is an event in which sleep enthusiasts, overworked pre-med kids, and devoted fans of Hypnos (the Greek god of sleep) compete in teams to … Continue reading

Vatican Considering Recognizing B.o.B as a Saint

Vatican Considering Recognizing B.o.B as a Saint

Official Punch Bowl Vatican correspondent Daniel Loud has the latest on the B.o.B. flat earth expose. This Wednesday, several Vatican officials confirmed that there have been talks about calling a tribunal to discuss canonizing rapper B.o.B into sainthood, following his ardent defense of the fact that the Earth is flat. B.o.B.’s comments have rekindled long-dormant … Continue reading

Thanksgiving Haikus

Thanksgiving Haikus

Thanksgiving tidings Getting drunk with high school “friends” Thank God I got out Wore a wool sweater. Ate a wool sweater. I tripped Balls with my uncle. Thank you Bill Cosby This turkey makes me tired ZZZ ZzZ zzz zzz Zzz I know I gained weight. You’ve never used a treadmill too. Fuck you Grandma … Continue reading

NO, I DON’T WANT TO GO TO YOUR COLLEGE

NO, I DON’T WANT TO GO TO YOUR COLLEGE

Freshman guest columnist Scott Rubenstein would like you to know to stop sending him so many goddamned emails!  “Please tell our university why you would like to unsubscribe from emails from the Kalamazoo School of Masonry.” Really? You really want to know why? Where do I even begin? For starters, I’M ALREADY ENROLLED IN ANOTHER … Continue reading