The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

Top 5 Phrases to Put on Your Preachy Locust Walk Sign

Most Penn students are already accustomed with spotting pastors and protesters on Locust Walk holding signs like: “Those who reject Jesus do so because of sin, not because of science or evidence.” While this is informative, it reminded us of a few other things we think you should know: 1. Those … Continue reading →

You’re Invited! AOD Presents: The Registered Banger

Finally they are going to get a taste of their own medicine. AOD is throwing the party, and we are going. Okay, well maybe only 1 person is going right now… But don’t worry because with a description like this one, there’s no way people would choose backlot over this.

Area Man Only Washes Hands When Observed

Last Tuesday at 12:36 PM EST, a local man nonchalantly alluded to the fact that he only washes his hands when someone in the restroom is observing him. Bob had previously been eating a pleasant lunch with coworkers before the unfortunate conversation bomb was accidentally deployed. Linda, the office germaphobe, searched for the travel hand … Continue reading →

A Desperate Plea from Wawa to the Task Force

Dear Task Force, This year, you have taken active and overwhelming steps to combat alcohol culture and excessive partying at your school, the University of Pennsylvania. The regulations you have recently imposed have done a great deal to discourage parties, or at the very least move them farther off campus and less convenient than ever … Continue reading →

EXCLUSIVE: What the Senate GOP Offered the Holdouts on the ACA Repeal

Now that the Graham-Cassidy-Heller-Johnson health care bill designed to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act has officially been defeated, the public now has access to the letters sent to the holdout Republican Senators and the offers made to them in exchange for their ‘yes’ votes. To: Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) Look, we literally forget … Continue reading →

The Summer Job to Prepare You for Your Imminent Future Success

Forget your instinct to get that internship at your uncle’s consulting firm. And no, working for your neighbor’s brother-in-law’s Congressional campaign won’t help you either. In order to truly prepare for your vast and imminent future success, you’ll need to go off course. Ever wonder who tests deodorant by sniffing armpits? Or who cleans … Continue reading →

US Government FINALLY Closes Gitmo and Puts the Remaining in an Abandoned IKEA

Commander David Culpepper has finally taken decisive action to shut down the US Naval Base on Cuban soil, Guantanamo Bay, affectionately nicknamed GTMO. For decades, GTMO remained a favorite spot for the US to hold military prisoners and unlawful combatants from Afghanistan, Iraq, and other countries targeted during the “War on Terror.” While this may … Continue reading →

Veteran Cockroach Misses Pre-Renovation Hill

Last year, Hill College House underwent an $80 million renovation that brought the dorm into the modern age. But contrary to the majority of Hill residents, a four-year-old cockroach living under the freshman dorm say she misses the “old” Hill. “Sure, the renovation brought expanded dining facilities and air-conditioned dorms” explained the tired, malnourished roach. … Continue reading →

10 Things Not to Say to Your Roommate on Move-In Day

Hopefully you’re all settled in to your 80-square-foot, cockroach-infested, Harry-Potter-under-the-stairs style, shag-carpeted, Guantanamo-esque living situation for the semester, and you’ve successfully navigated the whole “roommate introduction” ordeal. But in case you’ve been living homeless for the first month of school, here’s a few questions NOT to ask first when it’s finally your big day! These … Continue reading →

iPhone X only costs 1/65th of Penn Tuition!

Many consumers (but very few producers) are concerned about the recent iPhone X’s seemingly exorbitant cost. These people, emboldened by their own tweets of “#TheFreerTheMarketTheFreerThePeople,” have protested the newly-unveiled product’s $1000 price tag. The beautiful screen, extra and unexplained camera, and the NSA-aiding FaceID technology have convinced very few people of the necessity of this … Continue reading →

College Student Dances with the Devil, Takes Nap Past 10 PM

10:00 PM – After vowing to return to his studies, student Brighton Early set a timer on his phone for thirty minutes and assumed the position for a short nap. This brazen act of late-night napping flew in the face of his circadian rhythm, but Brighton promised himself he would awake with enough time to … Continue reading →

An Honest Guide to Tinder Part II

Still trolling Tinder? So are we! Since Punch Bowl’s last guide to Tinder, the platform has made some changes, so it’s only fitting we do the important public service of providing you with a new set of tips and tricks to sexually confuse and or arouse those within a 25 mile radius—or 85, because sometimes … Continue reading →

Entire Government Recuses Itself from Governing as Conflicts of Interest Loom

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After weeks of investigation into various conflicts of interests throughout the government, the government has decided to recuse itself from governing. Allegations of Russian entanglement, unethical business holdings, and campaign malpractice has plagued the government, prompting it to stop governing in the “best interest of the country.” “I think we’re just going … Continue reading →

Penn Senior Cries Until Thesis Advisor Accepts Final Draft

Penn Senior Lawrence Castles (C ’17) tried a new tactic to get his thesis through its final stages: tears. “I just couldn’t take it anymore,” said Castles, verging on tears as he recounted the incident, “I knew my argument wasn’t really complete and there were some tautologies in my conclusion, but I’m a second semester … Continue reading →

Little Known Clause in Irish Constitution Makes Everybody Irish on St. Patrick’s Day

“We’re all Irish on St. Paddy’s day bro!” We’ve all heard this proud boast from our bros throughout America. Ten drinks deep by 11 a.m., it seems like a fair assessment to somebody of any background. When you can’t walk in a straight line without calling your ex, it only seems natural that you’ve earned … Continue reading →

Student Leaves Recitation for Seven Minutes to take “Phone Call”

DAVID RITTENHOUSE LABS — A MATH 114 student reportedly left his recitation for seven minutes to take a “phone call” last week. Although no witness heard his phone vibrating or ringing in any fashion, when he returned to his seat, student Darrell Rhea insisted to his nearby acquaintances that he was just “taking a phone … Continue reading →

President Trump Reacts to NCAA Tournament on Twitter

@realDonaldTrump had much to say about the start of March Madness. Here are some of his top tweets. “Incredible that Norte Dame almost lost to Princeton — one of the worst schools! I would know cause I went to the best school, the Wharton School of Finance.” “We had such a great rally in Wilmington, … Continue reading →

Penn Students Witness Proletarian Revolution on Spring Break

A group of roughly 800 Penn Students were witness to a workers revolution in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico—colloquially known as PV—this past week while vacationing in the resort town for Spring Break. Local outlets report that resort workers went on strike for wages “commensurate with the amount of vomit they have to deal with on a … Continue reading →

Acquaintance in Elevator Also Pleased by Recent Weather

PHILADELPHIA — The weather has reached a pleasant zone here in Philadelphia, PA and everyone seems to be enjoying it. Today the temperature was all the way up in the 70s. Isn’t that so nice? Everyone across campus is happy about it. According to Jeff Staten (C’19) even the people you have awkward encounters with are … Continue reading →

Gutmann Releases New Urgent Message About Task Force

AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT AMY GUTMANN TO THE PENN COMMUNITY REGARDING THE INSTITUTION OF A NEW PROGRAM 23 October 2017 An outbreak has swept across our campus, reaching students from David Rittenhouse Labs to 40th Street. The traumatic effects sustained from such incidents include injury, prolonged suffering, and life-long emotional damage. It is … Continue reading →

The Official Unofficial Punch Bowl Application

Dear Readers and Punch Bowl wannabes, Below is the official first round application for the Punch Bowl. This application is due the night before your first big midterm of the semester. We will be holding coffee chats and a presentation in Huntsman the week before this application is due so you can make sure your … Continue reading →

The Real Reason Frontera is so Slow

Here at The Punchbowl we love SABSing and all things tangentially related to Mexico. So, naturally, you must be thinking WOW I bet you guys really like chipotle! Well, the truth is we like Qdoba better. But the other truth is that we like Frontera best. A special spot where your taste buds can ride … Continue reading →

Mart Madness – Round I Recap, Round II Preview

32 Marts entered, and only 16 remain. VOTE IN THE SWEET 16 HERE ROUND 1 Strongest Performance: Martin Shkreli might need to write himself a prescription for some painkillers after Martin Scorsese dominated him in the first round. Amassing TEN TIMES as many votes as the ‘pharma bro’, Scorsese is heating up at just the … Continue reading →