What Your Admission’s Letter Really Says

by Andrew Piskai

Dear newly-formed Class of 2013,

As a school with such diversity1, Penn has always been a beacon for freaks and the odd sorts that no one else wants. I know because I was one of them. As different as we all may seem to be, there is one common thread between us all: we all have received2 an admissions letter from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania. This past week a new wave of filth3 has been allowed permission to clog the gutters of West Philadelphia. In the first-ever, fully-electronic reveal of Penn admissions decisions, an E-letter4 granted the whims of some and dashed the hopes of many more5. In such a whirlwind of activity, many glazed over the well-constructed stock-formatted letter and began the celebration6. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to impart some knowledge on you, the fledgling class of 2013, in the hopes that someday, very far down the road you may become a mighty, plump chicken7.
Below is what your admissions essay may appear like to you. Underneath that is what the admissions committee is really trying to tell you.

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1. Between upper-middle and upper class

2. Or bought

3. That means you, Class of 2013

4. Found on most keyboards between ‘W’ and ‘R’

5. Ok, Ok, dashed SOME hopes.

6. Facebook is “OMGZXZ going to Penn! LOL!”

7. Delicious.

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