What’s in a Name?

by Andrew Piskai

Dear Ladies,

Fornication has become for college what an ass is to J-Lo—the most notable and best part of it. However, despite the joys of sex, there lies an unexpected hidden danger. For you see, you women tend to get preggers. The problem doesn’t lie in unplanned pregnancy, but rather in the fact you do not view the uterus as half-full, but as half-empty. With the heavy burden of having a child inside you, there also comes the great opportunity to come up with kickass baby names. As someone who tries to name everything he encounters, I’d like to show you how easy this process really is.

You can never go wrong with a traditional name. Classic names like Lester or Milton for your male offspring represent a traditional background favorable in any family. Similarly, use Paula and Thumbelina for penis-less babies.

If classical names aren’t up your alley, remember that the world is full of exotic cultures each with their own language, culture and anti-American sentiment. In Spain, the most popular names are El Diablo and Tequila! Coincidentally, both are also reasons you became pregnant in the first place. Mukluk and Lasagna are also acceptable due to their foreign flair.

Sometimes the ethnic naming won’t appeal to you either. In such cases, try taking two names you don’t really like, and combine them into a bastardized one that for whatever reason you do. Hybrid names simultaneously allow you to be creative, original and ruin your children’s future. These include Jackary and Dandrew. For girls, some fine examples are Estellizabeth or Natty.

Or, christen your young ones with random nouns (noun(n.): a person, place or thing). Haven’t we all met a Summer, Hope or Daisy and wanted to be called the Rock? I know I have! Some of my personal favorites for boys are Tank, Fridge, and Stonewall. With a powerful name like any of these, your young one will be guaranteed a spot in the NFL combine. For girl babies, keep it slimly pretty with Pudding and Jazzercise.

There exists, though, one final option. Similar to Dakota Fanning, New York from Flava Flav, and Hannah Montana, names of states like Connecticut work beautifully to imprint the wholesome American feel onto your daughter. For a whorish feel, use Paris. Name your son Forrest and his life will surely be a walk in the park, or perhaps more like a walk in the woods.

These helpful hints should make naming the baby the best part besides making it.

Pediatrically yours,

A. T. Piskai

Leave a Reply