by Andrew Piskai
To anyone who has ever been to a professional sporting event,
When it’s cold outside, some people like to sit inside next to a fire and drink Cocoa watching reruns of the Grinch. Those people can suck it. If you’re a real fan, when the weather gets cold, you paint your entire body, grab your foam finger, put on a pair of boxer shorts and leave for the tailgate. If there’s 23 inches of snow, that just means you’re going to have to eat 23 inches of hotdog. Firemen, policemen, astronauts, and civil rights leaders are not heroes, real fans are. No awful season, bad call, or criticism from wives and girlfriends can deter a real fan. Real fans are what America is all about.
The docile, cocoa-sipping, TBS-watching fake fans should therefore respect the domain of the ravenous, head-butting, ref-bashing real fans. However they do not! This is why I have taken time out of my busy schedule of Sportscenter, ESPN.com, and sports-radio to compile a list of the top ten reasons why fake fans have ruined pro-sporting events.
10. People who think it’s cool to wear sports gear that pertains to a sport other than the one being watched— You know the phrase you don’t bring a knife to a gunfight? Same thing applies; if you do this, you deserve to be shot.
9 Food costs an arm and a leg— Supply and demand people! If you weren’t stupid or drunk enough to pay $8.50 for a hotdog, they’d have to lower the price. For Pete’s sake, eat before the game or duct tape your candy bars to the underside of your droopy man-boobs and smuggle them in like a real fan. There! I’ve finally found your use for them.
8. The air-guns that give away free t-shirts, food, seats, trips, etc.— First off, your goal in coming to the game should be to scream so hard you lose a lung. Real fans don’t need any added incentive to get excited. Besides, your favorite linebacker just ran train on some rookie leaving him two balls shy of a full set. Secondly, the prizes never come to me.
7. “Event Staff”— Who gave you a baton and made you king? The only reason you’re here is to point the once-a-year fans to their row once they’ve already done the hard part of locating their section, you mustached high-school drop-out. And let me tell you something else, Lady! If I paid $11.50 for these seats, you’d damn well better believe I’m going to punch opposing fans. Instead of trying to break up me fighting how about you use your walkie-talkie and order me one of those eight and half dollar dogs.
6. Bathroom urinals— I don’t know which company is responsible for designing all the stadium and airport bathrooms in America, but they must be making a killing. If you’re unfamiliar, essentially they put 167 urinals along three walls of a giant tiled room, but yet there’s still always a line. How does that work? Maybe if the cocoa-sipping fake fans stayed home to check their finances on E-Trade, there wouldn’t be so many people who have to tinkle.
5. People who wear jerseys of star players who were traded five years ago—We get it, you were a bandwagon fan when we made the playoffs, get a life! O, and a new jersey. No, not the state.
4. People who refuse to kiss on kiss-cam— Fake fans are all about staying within their comfort zone. Just grow up and kiss the person next to you. Guys, it’s free action! Girls, just give a big old smooch, even if it’s another girl who you’ve never met before. Especially if it’s another girl.
3. People kissing when they’re not on kiss-cam— Get a room. We’re not a Motel 6. I guess you wouldn’t know that kind of stadium social etiquette unless you were a true fan…
2. Kiss-cam—You had to have seen this coming.
1. Opposing fans when your team loses— There’s nothing that undermines repeated taunts and jeers than your team failing to live up to them. The opposing fans will let you know it, and Jesus will let you know it. That’s why you have to throw them off the 400-level. Not Jesus, he’s cool. I don’t know how this is caused by fake fans, but I’m sure it is somehow.
As Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple once said, “The choice is yours and yours alone.” Are you going to be a real, diehard fan or one of those fake fans that are ruining American professional sports? Choose wisely.