THE RUSH.

by Andrew Piskai

Dear potential rushes,

When criminals are confronted to give their rationale as to why they commit their crimes, the most common response is that they do it for the “rush” they get. Accordingly, what word describes the process of harvesting the supple young freshman minds that will one day become the next generation of arsonists, murderers, and child pornographers? You guessed it— rush. Proven in a series of doctoral theses and scholarly accounts, the relationship between criminal behavior and Greek life is both “unparalleled and undisputed” (McIlhenny, 1876). It is well known that only the dirtiest men would ever join a fraternity, and that joining a fraternity decreases your value to society in every measurable facet. A 1996 Wilson et al. study showed that women hate men who have male friends, strong convictions and access to large quantities of alcohol. But why do fraternities make young men turn to lives of crime? And why do all criminals have histories based in fraternities? The answer, according to Gibson’s 2008 paper, lies within the cultural similarities between rushing a fraternity and prison. He lists his reasons why your fraternity rushing is like prison on page 162:

5) Free food.

4) Chances are that there are guys in there that have been accused of rape.

3) Your affinity for car bombs makes you more prone to wake up behind bars.

2) You are pretty much guaranteed to get in there if you take 15 shots within a large group of people.

1) The percentage of brothers there is disproportionately high.

While Gibson may be connecting scholarly dots that perhaps should remain unconnected, the basic premise behind his argument is well-founded, well-argued, and, dare I say, bulletproof. His work may be controversial, but it has the potential to shake the foundations of the subject matter and to redefine the relationship between your rushing a fraternity and prison from one of correlation to one of causality.

Reportedly,

A.T. Piskai

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