The last six years have seen the rise of a new disease, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the “Who Shot J.R.?” outbreak of ’79. This new sickness, while only directly affecting some 11 million victims, has managed to piss off an astounding 135 million Americans. Dr. James Ford, an internationally renowned physician at the Mayo Clinic, has called the disease “worse than the siff and herpes combined.” We are, of course, referring to Abrams’ Disease, often nicknamed “Lost Syndrome.” With the season 6 premiere of ABC’s Lost on Tuesday, physicians are concerned that Lost Syndrome is on the verge of becoming an epidemic. This guide will help you fight the disease.
Signs and Symptoms
Typical behaviors of a Lost fan are irritating but extremely predictable at late stages. The day before a Lost episode is set to air, the victim can often be seen with palpable excitement on his face for unhealthy periods of time. When asked an innocent question such as, “What’s going on?” the victim will invariably shout, “Lost is on tomorrow!! Wanna read my Kate-Juliet-Sawyer fanfiction?”
On the actual night of airing, victims tend to exhibit massively anti-social and lethargic behaviors, often ignoring basic human needs to continue watching. For instance, 19-year-old Jenny Branson died after she began choking on a Hot Pocket but refused to seek medical attention, fearing that she would miss a crucial clue as to what the hell that four-toed statue is.
The next day, the victim will discuss how “crazy” last night’s episode was almost nonstop, often explaining their asinine theories to people they know to be non-fans.
Though Lost Syndrome is not fully understood yet, some believe it is caused by brain-infesting parasites or subliminal hypnosis. Others attribute the disease to the executive at ABC who gave JJ Abrams an unlimited supply of money and LSD with which to create a TV show.
The simplest way to determine if a friend or loved one has succumbed to Lost Syndrome is to ask, “What is the deal with Walt?” An uninfected person will answer, “What the fuck are you talking about?” while a victim will say something along the lines of, “Oh my God, I know!! I’ll bet he’s a superhuman time-travelling polar bear in disguise whose mission is to…”
At this time, researchers have been unsuccessful in finding a cure. Some doctors have attempted changing the station when Lost comes on, but victims’ bodies usually reject such treatment. Dr. James Ford said on the subject of a cure, “We haven’t found a way to stop this show from ruining the lives of millions. But at least it doesn’t suck as much as Heroes.”