Squeakquel

Dear Sir:

We here at 20th Century Fox are always open to the suggestions and comments of passionate moviegoers, but we cannot allow this harassment to continue. We understand that you may have been disappointed by “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel,” but we must advise you to curtail your behaviors before we are forced to take legal action.

We acknowledge that some people did not enjoy the film, but it was dangerous and unnecessary for you to fire a crossbow at the movie screen halfway through the Friday night premiere at the Beaumont Theater. The hole you left in the screen, along with your incessant swearing from the back of the theater, spoiled the experience for many of the younger viewers.

We recently discovered the graffiti you left on the western wall of our studio saying, “Alvin’s characterization lacked moral and psychological depth.” We must remind you, however, that “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” was intended for the younger demographic. Regarding the graffiti on the southern wall claiming that the cinematography was “impotent and aimless, like my third marriage,” we must remind you again that this was just a fun family movie for the holidays.

We have also learned of the inflammatory messages you have been leaving on director Betty Thomas’ answering machine. According to Thomas, your messages are caustic, belligerent, and surprisingly anti-Semitic.

Thousands of people put a lot of hard work into this film, and we ask you to keep that in mind when you so passionately express your opinions. Many of our writers were offended when you put up that billboard saying, “The new Chipmunks movie gave my dog diabetes.” And dozens of technicians went home crying when you stood outside of a local theater shouting, “The Squeakquel is an omen of the coming Apocalypse.”

We understand that “Alvin and the Chipmunks” could not meet everyone’s expectations, and you are not alone in disliking the film, but defecating down producer Janice Karman’s chimney was not the proper way to express your feelings. We encourage you to use other channels of communication, such as 20th Century Fox’s Twitter page, where you can respectfully discuss our films. However, we will no longer stand for your aggressive forms of protest, such as burning effigies of Simon and Theodore. If you continue to harass us, we will be forced to take strong legal action against you.

Sincerely,

Janice Brown
Spokeswoman for 20th Century Fox

P.S. Get ready this summer for everyone’s favorite rodents to return in a new adventure! ‘Cause if you thought they were wild and crazy the last two times, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! They’ve got more attitude than ever, but Alvin, Simon, and Theodore have a big surprise waiting just around the corner…a new baby brother! He’s a ‘chip’ off the old block, and there’s about to be even more “munk”-ey business than before, in…Alvin and the Chipmunks 3D: Chipmunks in Space!

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