Haterade: The Break-Up

by Sam Pasternack

Brought to you by guest Columnist Sam Pasternack

Hey there Tiger,

I cannot believe the rollercoaster ride of emotions we have been on since your fateful kinda-sorta-crash in November. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but slowly the smoke began to clear from your Escalaid, and the realizations that followed were no less than shocking. They were more than shocking. While news of your infidelities was often rumored, it normally was only published in the hot and steamy PGA golf fantasy fiction, so I was never really nervous about your loyalty…until Thanksgiving. Imagine me – one of the most popular beverage lines in the world – picking up a newspaper day after day to see you with another suitor.

Slowly the mistresses revealed themselves one after another: first Gillette, then Titalist, then Accenture, then that 2% milk-guzzling slut General Mills, and finally the dirtiest and grimiest of them all: Nike. Do you know how many people Nike – who’s slogan is “Just Do It” – has been with? Nike has been with Cristiano Ronaldo, Mark McGwire, Dikembe Mutombo, the entire South Korean national baseball team, and – worst of all – Dennis Rodman, although I’ve always wondered if he lives up to his last name.

I cannot believe you did this, especially given my previous history of confusing relationships. First MJ had a fling with his underwear when we were together, then I had that relationship with Mia Hamm (although nobody took my relationship with a woman seriously), and then of course there was my affair with Derek Jeter (but let’s face it – everyone has had one affair with Derek Jeter).

Yet I gave NONE of them what they desired most, the one reason you and I were put on this Earth, and I want you to think of what your shenanigans has done to them. You and I knew that we would need to go the distance, that we were in this together for the long haul when we decided to have our own beverage line together. We even named it something that would help you remember not to fool around. Our poor little Tiger Focus is scared that you’ve forgotten about it, and that it may even be…discontinued. Is this something you wished upon your poor innocent offspring? Quite frankly, Tiger, I want to bust my cap in your ass. I also want to shoot you.

Through all of this turmoil I have asked myself this: what makes me go on? Why do I continue to live my life each day? Then I realized that deep in my soul, beyond the potassium ions and unhealthy amount of electrolytes, exists a power that allows me to work with others, feel passion, and care about little Tiger Focus more than anything else. I have this power, Tiger. I have it. And now I must ask:

Is it in you?

Empty,

Gatorade

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