Dear New Employee, Welcome to the Workforce

by Luba Smolensky

Dear Payrollee,

On behalf of Bailout Brothers, Inc., I would like to welcome you. The following brief explanation will aid you in understanding the ins and outs of your new work environment. As a newb, the company expects you to behave with the respect and reverence that you show your parents and grandparents. This behavior will obviously exclude cussing and stealing from the company’s liquor cabinet. That said, in case you feel the need for some hard liquor (I personally associate Excel with Hennessy), the liquor cabinet is unofficially in Drunkie McJerk’s second drawer on your right. The best time to browse his collection would be around 3 when he has passed out on the couch in the lobby. And that is just one example of the many subtle intricacies in our work family. But I digress!!!

Anyhow, we truly are a family. We care for one another and will assign you just enough work to keep you out of trouble. At Bailout Bros., we are very excited for your arrival – we’re just really fucking fed up with doing tedious nonsense on the computer and are ultra pumped that you’re going to do the bitch work for us! Once again, a warm, warm, suffocatingly tight, welcome from Bailout Brothers, Inc. Now, let’s get started:

Fill out the time sheet and kiss our feet that we are even paying you in this wretched economy. We have decided that to get ahead of our competition (that’s right, we are cool enough to have competition), we would offer our new employees some money to, shall we say, “keep the talent.” Although you are not eligible for any medical benefits and are not allowed to see the on-site doctor if you have a seizure at your desk or vomit Monday morning from your excessive New York partying, you will have complete access to the kitchenette on our floor. Yes! An unlimited supply of coffee, an assortment of teas, and hot cocoa –both non-fat and regular!

But our generosity doesn’t end there! Heavens, no. Christmas will be the second Monday of your employment when Santa (a secret HR rep responsible for making weekly trips to Office Depot across the street) will deliver an endless amount of office supplies. You will receive a hefty stapler, perfect for throwing at your neighbor in case he or usually she is too loud. The stapler comes with several packets of staples; obviously you will never have to staple that many papers at your job but we insist on including the excessive amount of staples and paper clips to test your creativity. When you have some down time/ are simply exhausted from staring at the spreadsheet for hours on end , we encourage you to polish your architectural abilities and fasten together different monuments from across the world. At the end of the summer, we will see whose creation is the best. That person will receive their very own lifetime supply of post-it notes. Hooray!!

So that’s just a little teaser for you lads and lassies. You will be receiving memos on updates of conduct and appropriate character. So get excited and start working – you have wasted enough time reading this!!!!!

C. Richard Hardley
Regional Manager, Bailout Brothers, Inc.

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