by Shai Nir
Drawing his powers from a secret barrel of nucleoactive radios, he is…
Stevie, Boy Wonder!
It’s a beautiful day in the city of Philadelphiaburg. Or is it? Yes it is. But only because the city is under the watchful protection of its sworn guardian, Stevie.
Not that I’m saying I think he’s beautiful or anything. I mean, he’s an alright-looking guy, I don’t deny that. Certainly has that boyish charm. I’m just not into him in that way, okay? Sorry, Stevie!
Anyway, I was just saying, um… Beautiful day, and… I guess the city’s suddenly under attack or something.
Stevie: Again? Seriously?
Hey, we gotta make a living somehow, right?
Stevie: I have a day, job, y’know.
Well, so do I and it’s narrating exciting adventure stories so can it and go save the city, you luscious hunk of man!
Stevie: What did—
…Who I am not attracted to in any way. Go!
Stevie: O…kay. What seems to be the problem today?
Good Citizen Lady: Stevie, Celadon is attacking the city!
Stevie: What, Celadon as in the color?
The Citizen Lady helpfully points up to the skyline where a sinister blue hue is menacing Philadelphiaburg.
Good Citizen Guy: Do something, Stevie!
Stevie: Well, stand back, and I’ll just, uh… I guess I’ll… Uh…
As Stevie deliberates his next course of action, Celadon moves closer and closer to the heart of the city, sowing destruction and reaping panicked screams.
Stevie: Nope, I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do about a giant evil color. It’s a color, people!
Good Citizen Lady: You’ve failed us, Stevie!
Good Citizen Guy: Go back to Jersey, you hack!
Suddenly, a shiny-sounding flash hurtles across the sky, and Celadon is cut neatly in half. Not a moment later, a mysterious lass in colorless green super-getup lands in the park – did I mention they were in a park? – lands in the park in front of Stevie.
Stevie: What just happened?
Lass: All in a day’s work for Synesthesia!
Good Citizen Guy: Yay, new hero!
Stevie: What? That was totally cheating!
Synesthesia: Well, it’s been a pointy time tasting all you people but I smell crime. And crime smells like triangles. Away!
With a flutter of sour, Synesthesia hops off to thwart evil wherever it might unsheathe its cacophonous tendrils.
Good Citizen Gal: I want to be like Synesthesia when I grow up!
Good Citizen Guy: Oh, c’mon. You gotta be at least five years older than her.
Good Citizen Gal: I will shoot you.
Dismayed by his sharp decline of public support, Stevie, Boy Wonder returns to his Stevie-Cave (or ‘Stave’) to bitch to his heretofore unheard-from sidekick, Clearly-Worse-Than-Stevie-At-Everything-Lad.
Stevie: I can’t take this much longer, Clearly. This Synesthesia lady is going to take over my job as hero of the city.
Clearly: Have you tried becoming her sidekick and spitting in her coffee every morning?
Stevie: If I lose the hearts and minds of the people, I won’t be able to get away with things like blowing up entire city blocks to catch a purse snatcher, or setting loiterers on fire, or double parking. Clearly, this is serious!
Clearly: Did you just call me ‘Clearly’ again or were you pointing out that it’s obviously serious?
Stevie: I think the second one.
Clearly: Oh. Well, anyway, this Synesthesia managed to beat Celadon because her powers are based on mixing senses. But what if you faced an enemy that you can’t sense at all?
Stevie: Clearly, that’s just crazy enough to work.
Clearly: Was that—
Stevie: The first one this time.
As Stevie puts his plans into motion, Synesthesia is frostily patrolling the surface, always listening for the sight of an impending disaster. Sure enough, before long:
Good Citizen Fellow: Quick, Synesthesia! It’s an emergency!
Synesthesia: Your distress is purple and itchy, citizen. What’s wrong?
Good Citizen Fellow: Nothing’s threatening to destroy city hall!
Synesthesia: Um, good?
But before you can say “There’s Stevie,” Stevie, Boy Wonder leaps from out of nowhere and into action!
Good Clitizen Kid: There’s Stevie!
Stevie deftly punches nothing in the face. Nothing retaliates with full force. Stevie dodges nothing, then throws nothing to the ground before delivering a final blow to nothing at all. Nothing writhes pathetically on the ground.
Good Citizen Fellow: Stevie, Boy Wonder saved us from nothing!
Good Citizen Kid: Hooray!
Synesthesia: Seriously, what did he just do?
Stevie: No need to thank me, people. I’m just glad to do my part to keep this town safe.
Good Citizen Lass: Victory smooches for Stevie!
Victory smooches for Stevie indeed. Just… not from me because I’m not like that. And so the elated citizenry carry Stevie off into the middle distance for a fitting hero’s celebration. Songs are sung and pies are much enjoyed.
Synesthesia: I am so lost right now.