by Lance Wildorf
In between hunting expeditions to exotic nations and hosting international conferences to raise awareness of the ills of third world nations, Lance Wildorf applies his efforts to naturally enhancing the academic field of genitalia historic research and puns. He has graciously donated some of his time work with the Punch Bowl in thiss pursuit.
The history of dick jokes is long and fruitful, unless of course you’re Asian or Jewish, in which case it’s been short and disappointing. People have been firing off penile puns almost as long as they’ve been mocking those of lesser evolutionary qualities (dinosaurs, chimpanzees, people who watch Here Come Honey Boo Boo). The first recorded dick joke was between two cavemen, famously sketched onto a hieroglyphic. Caveman Hegor said to his counterpart, “Bring me that wood. I need it to start my fire,” and Unnamed Caveman 2 replied, “That’s what the one who birthed you told me during yesterday’s dark hours!” They both had a great guffaw about this. The good times ended, however, when an offended Hegor impaled Unnamed Caveman 2 on his huge pike (not a dick joke, it was a legit pike), messily beheaded him, and used his blood to paint the inside of his cave. Interior decorating…mofuckin Flinstone’s style. Shit was so ca$h.
Dick jokes continued in this fashion, pumping slowly on until 49 BC, when they started going in a totally new erection direction. Marc Antony simply made a passing remark about the size of the columns in the Coliseum, “Wow Siyar, that column is so big it would even make the mighty Zeus tremble.” To which the cunning Caesar replied “You know what else is so big that it would make Zeus tremble?” Caesar paused, waited, and as soon as Antony was going to reply shouted out “DIS DICK!” He then pointed with both index fingers making perfectly clear to which dick he was referring. Caesar and Antony then proceeded to chest bump, simultaneously bringing the dick joke into the future, and creating a brand new douche bag embrace. You will sometimes see a modern permutation of the “chest bump” done by the local fraternity brothers, after a particularly successful roofying and/or ultimate Frisbee tourney.
The middle ages were a limp period for dick jokes (which history promises normally doesn’t happen…it was just going through a lot of stress at work, you know with the 100 Years’ War and all that plague…oh you want to leave? Are you sure? Okay I guess you’ll text it when you’re free…?) However the Renaissance was the ambiguously advertised miracle pill that brought the blood rushing back. Michaelangelo and Da Vinci were casually chatting about their artistic achievements. Da Vinci had his heathen (I’m talking to you Dan Brown. I can’t believe you made a movie called The Da Vinci Choad. Yeah and that sequel Angels and Semen was even worse…What’s that? He didn’t make those?…Fuck, what did Amy Guttman make me watch then?) inspiring Last Supper, and Michaelangelo had the interesting-when-sober but bat-shit-terrifying-when-high Systine Chapel. All of a sudden Leondardo made an innocuous comment “You know Micky, it’s cool if I call you Micky right?” (Michaelangelo nodded but shit definitely wasn’t cool.) “I like your statue of David, don’t get me wrong, but don’t you think his phallus is a tad bit tiny?” Michaelangelo proceeded to smile. He paused and said “That’s funny Asshat-it’s cool if I call you Asshat right?-cause compared to you, David’s dick looks like Brunelesqui’s dome.” He then made 3 quick jerk off motions at Da Vinci, checked his Blackberry, and peaced.
So there you have it, a history of dick jokes. What’s that? You thought it’d be longer? Yeah…so did she.