Five Ways Justin Bieber Will Change the World

by Sean Kelly

Once upon a time, our most revered entertainers were the societal benchmark for class: tuxedos, whiskey tumblers, cigars, and a personal gravity that affected only females. But everyone came to them for their voices, which were powerful and inspiring, cultivated through years of grueling hard work.

Fuck those times.

Welcome to the newest generation, where pop idols are bred in test tubes to appeal to the biggest audience possible. Scientists collect and analyze mountains of data until they know what we want better than we do. We’ve seen what happens when their calculations work (Katy Perry), and what happens when the embryos prematurely achieve consciousness and escape (Lady Gaga). About a year ago, they looked at their data and realized there was an unusually high demand for pre-pubescent, androgynous muppets. So they put away “Candyland,” got down to work and created…Justin Bieber.

Like pygmy owls and Chinese gymnasts, Justin Bieber is genetically engineered to never age. He has a vocoder implanted into his vocal chords. His golden bangs are solar panels to power his cyborg heart. Every inch of this boy wonder is designed to attract swarms of insecure, sexually-undeveloped, gender-confused girls who spend all their free time blogging about “Team Edward.” Are they really attracted to Justin Bieber? Probably not. Once their breasts fill out, they’ll realize they don’t want anything to do with a boy who sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks and looks like Barbara Streisand’s mini-me.

In the meantime, he’ll gladly suck your wallet clean for his newest single, in which he probably says something like “Oh baby I love you” or “I love you baby, oh” or even “Baby, oh, love, I you”. Either way, the message is clear: he loves you, and Justin, we love you right back. It’s time to embrace him as our generation’s Sinatra. Here’s five ways Justin Bieber will “positively” impact the world.

1. Glorious Hair
– If you’re not Justin Bieber, than your hair doesn’t deserve to call itself hair. It turns out lesbians and emo MySpace dwellers were on to something: swooping bangs are hawt. In time, everyone will sport the same glimmering forehead curtain. It will be so thick that you need echo location to retrieve the mail. Essential items: bleach, blow dryer, and a perfected hair flick. The hair flick is vital; it’s the scene kid’s mating call.

2. Delayed Puberty
– There’s a certain nostalgia associated with discovering your first pubic hair. I remember spending hours on my living room couch squeezing my thighs together, trying to expedite the process (that’s what everyone did, right?). But mostly, memories of puberty are met with feelings of confusion and horror. The only thing more terrifying then waking up to sticky boxers is having Kirk Cameron as your lab partner in evolutionary biology. Thanks to Justin Bieber’s immortal youth, we can now postpone the descent of our testicles until well after college. It’s about time to, because I need an excuse for my crippling fear of intimacy other than “I was forced to watch porn as a child.”

3. Auto-Tuned Voices
– Not only will conversations all be sung in pitch-perfect, computerized voices, but it will be able to correct our poor sentence choices. No longer will you drunkenly tell that hot girl’s ugly friend that she “resembles a cross between Sylvester Stallone and an iguana”, but that she has “warm features and a refreshing personality.” Not that you’ll be able to do anything with that hot girl, however, considering your sexual drive won’t develop for three more years. But you can still spend the next hour trying out-flick each other.

4. Dance Battles
– Imagine this scenario: your palms are sweaty, you’re shaking, you can barely see straight. Where are you? No, you didn’t just walk in on your parents doing bikram yoga, this is sixth grade when you asked your first girl to dance. Asking her isn’t a problem, but you’re afraid of how she’ll react after she realizes you have the rhythm of an autistic orangutan. Fear not, because in the world of Justin Bieber, everyone is a top-notch dancer, and every proposition, question, and suggestion will be made through long, stylized dance sequences. So don’t listen to the bowling alley manager yelling at you to stop moonwalking across the lanes, you need to know if that cute girl will go to the movies, and you won’t know until she reciprocates your popping and locking.

5. Proposing to your Girlfriend at 15
– Remember, your appeal will be in preserving the appearance of a young child as your hormones tear the inside of your body apart fighting this contradiction. Looks are just half of the battle, the other half is attitude and values. This includes an immature perspective on relationships. Therefore, to everyone in the Bieber-Verse, marriage is full of happiness and rainbows. Don’t worry that it completely ignores the emotional and financial commitments that an actual marriage demands. In this new fantasy world, putting a diamond ring around your middle-school girlfriend’s finger is both acceptable and encouraged. The only reference to sex will be made when Ludacris kicks down your front door and rapes your wife-er, I mean, uh…plays “Candyland”. If you know what I mean.

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