Hallowe’en Tips

by Shai Nir

For many of the college crowd, Halloween means parties, heavy drinking, and gratuitous cleavage. Younger children might look forward to a night of spooky stories, diabetes-inducing piles of candy, and gratuitous cleavage. However you may celebrate, we’ve collected a few tips to keep in mind this 31st:

  • When TPing someone’s house, stick to one-ply toilet paper. There’s no greater irony than making your target’s cleanup enjoyable with quilted comfort.
  • It’s unfestive to drink anything unmixed on Halloween night. Drinks deserve costumes too.
  • Avoid pissing off any witches, lest they turn you into an Engineer.
  • Note to costume vendors: If you sell “sexy” costumes in size XXXL, reconsider your naming scheme.
  • It’s OK to trick-or-treat past the age of 13 as long as your costume is of a 13-year-old.
  • If you’re holding a party, make sure that the guy in the hobo costume is not an actual hobo.
  • Likewise if you’re accepting trick-or-treaters
  • If a stake in the heart doesn’t work, try decapitation, then a stake in the heart. This tip is mostly aimed at vampires but works equally well on Twilight fans.
  • Look both ways before crossing the street. That’s just common sense.
  • The best place to operate a fake haunted house is in a real haunted house. The local ghosts can help you put together your paper-maché goblins, and they work for peanuts.
  • While candy corn is pretty awful as candy, it can be used to make such diverse products as candy popcorn, candy tortillas, and candy high fructose corn syrup.
  • Note to those celebrating El Dia de los Muertos: Speak English, damn it. You’re in America now.
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