by Shai Nir
For many of the college crowd, Halloween means parties, heavy drinking, and gratuitous cleavage. Younger children might look forward to a night of spooky stories, diabetes-inducing piles of candy, and gratuitous cleavage. However you may celebrate, we’ve collected a few tips to keep in mind this 31st:
When TPing someone’s house, stick to one-ply toilet paper. There’s no greater irony than making your target’s cleanup enjoyable with quilted comfort.
It’s unfestive to drink anything unmixed on Halloween night. Drinks deserve costumes too.
Avoid pissing off any witches, lest they turn you into an Engineer.
Note to costume vendors: If you sell “sexy” costumes in size XXXL, reconsider your naming scheme.
It’s OK to trick-or-treat past the age of 13 as long as your costume is of a 13-year-old.
If you’re holding a party, make sure that the guy in the hobo costume is not an actual hobo.
Likewise if you’re accepting trick-or-treaters
If a stake in the heart doesn’t work, try decapitation, then a stake in the heart. This tip is mostly aimed at vampires but works equally well on Twilight fans.
Look both ways before crossing the street. That’s just common sense.
The best place to operate a fake haunted house is in a real haunted house. The local ghosts can help you put together your paper-maché goblins, and they work for peanuts.
While candy corn is pretty awful as candy, it can be used to make such diverse products as candy popcorn, candy tortillas, and candy high fructose corn syrup.
Note to those celebrating El Dia de los Muertos: Speak English, damn it. You’re in America now.