by Luba Smolensky
Mb # 69 DuBois College House 3900 Walnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19104
- Wharton School: University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA
- Candidate for Bachelor of Science in Economics
- Graduation: Sometime Soon….fingers crossed?
- Concentration: Real Estate and Cunt Licking
- Cumulative GPA: Wining and Dining Amy Gutman
- Courses: Introduction to Markering and Coloring, Statistics, Financial Accounting for Financial Accountants, Consumption Behavior, Italian for Native Hindi Speakers
- JP Morgan, Inferno: Circle 8- Bolgia 8 June 2009 – August 2009
Summer Internship Program
Worked alongside fraudulent advisors. Surrounded by fire. Became a slave of excel. Learned valuable skills that will help me to further corrupt my soul. Cooked the books to appease clients. Ate sushi. Drank Goose.
- Hot Topic, Hoboken, NJ March 2004 – August 2009
Explained to Goth chicks that they were fat. Directed said females to specific corner to cut their wrists. Helped lost teenage youths revel in the harmony of Care Bears, spiked bracelets, and UFO pants. Sales assistant and inventory management. Answered phone calls from confused parents.
- Jonny’s Pizzeria, Hoboken, NJ May 2005 – February 2007
Welcomed customers to the birthplace of e-coli. Developed strong communication skills by yelling at angry customers. Developed boxing skills by taking care of said customers in the alley behind the restaurant. Worked closely with the local mafia.
COLLEGE AND COMMUNITY ACTIVITIES:
- Founder and President of UPENN Chapter of “Impoverish the Impoverished;” a community service club
- Wharton Cohort Director: Dollar
- Special Olympics Volunteer Participant
- Wharton Women. Yes they like brown men.
- Fully capable of masturbating to the Microsoft Office Suit. Proficient in Java.
- I’m just fucking good at life
- Working for you.