Stevie, Boy Wonder – Civvies

by Shai Nir

Drawing his powers from a secret barrel of nucleoactive radios, he is…

Stevie, Boy Wonder!

When he’s not busy protecting the world with exaggerated violence, Stevie, Boy Wonder, likes to relax as his secret alter ego, Stephen “Stevie” Steven, mild-mannered video game tester. Sadly, Stevie’s superheroic duties have too often interfered with his work, causing him to revert to his double secret alter ego, Stephen “Stevie” Steven, mild-mannered unemployed guy. Today, Stevie seeks to right this wrong by applying for a job at Philadelphiaburg’s newspaper of record, the Daily Pencil. He is shown to the interviewer’s office and shakes her hand shakily.
Stevie: Hello, my name is Stephen Steven. I’m here to apply for the position of mild-mannered video game reviewer.
Interviewer: It’s nice to meet you, Stevie.
Stevie Heroically narrows his eyes.
Stevie: How’d you know I’m Stevie?
Interviewer: Umm… hunch?
Stevie: Wait a minute, I recognize that chin, and nose, and forehead, and every other part of the face that isn’t covered by a flimsy domino mask. You’re Synesthesia!1
The interviewer sighs.
Synesthesia: Yes, I’m Synesthesia. And if you tell anyone, I’ll shove your eyeballs so far up your nose you’ll be seeing sounds.
Stevie: Your secret is certainly safe with me.
Synesthesia’s startling secret is certainly safe with Stevie. Synesthesia’s shartin sickets is awwwwww.
Stevie: Syn, you know I’d be great at this job. Video games are my secret identity’s life.
Synesthesia: Reviewing video games is more than just playing them. Can you write in a clear and entertaining way?
Stevie: …Probably. Just give me a shot.
Synesthesia: I don’t know…
Stevie: You said you owe me one that time I talked those galactic mole men out of opening a space Wal-Mart in your home town.
Synesthesia thinks if over for a bit.
Synesthesia: All right, I’ll let you have a provisional period to prove yourself.
She pulls out an official employment form and placing it in front of Stevie.
Synesthesia: Can you just sign here?
Stevie: I can learn.

Stevie sets up shop at his new desk in the office cafeteria. Sitting at one of the tables he notices a guy who looks very much like Poetic Justice2 in civilian getup and one who looks very much like the Humorist3 with a pencil moustache and an eyepatch. Stevie takes a seat next to them.
Justice: Stevie. You work here now?
Stevie: Yeah. I didn’t know you guys did.
Justice: Don’t advertise this, but this newspaper’s crawling with superheroes. I work on the sports page, Human Snowcone edits the crossword puzzles, and the Incredible Help runs the mail room.
Stevie: You mean that guy who gets irrationally happy and compulsively builds stuff?
Justice: That’s the one.
Stevie: What about you, Humorist?
Humorist: It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, sir. I am but a simple comedy columnist for this fine periodical.
Stevie gives a skeptical look.
Stevie: …What’s your name?
Humorist: Hugh… Morris.
Justice: Yeah, I didn’t believe it at first either, but it’s a different guy. The Humorist actually works at a totally different department.
Stevie: …Seriously?
Justice: No.
Humorist: Sh’yeah, Stevie. Did you know the word ‘gullible’ is written on my face?
Stevie:
All of a sudden, a scream erupts from the street outside.
Scream: Help! A madman just pushed my food cart over and he’s assaulting my customers!
Stevie starts to get up but Poetic Justice stops him.
Justice: Sorry, Stevie, but we’ve got to keep a low profile.
Stevie: But…
Scream: Now he’s beating me to death with a baseball bat!
Justice: Sound like a sports story. Peace.
Justice rises and runs out the door. Stevie glares at the Humorist.
Humorist: Psych.
Stevie: *sigh*

END

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