by Shai Nir
Drawing his powers from a secret barrel of nucleoactive radios, he is…
Stevie, Boy Wonder!
Stevie, Boy Wonder, protector of Philadelphiaburg and all-around adorable superhero, finds himself in that most noble of pursuits: Representing his nation in the Winter Superlympic games, this year held in exotic Vancouville. Sitting in the Superlympic Village, Stevie sits at a café with his friend Poetic Justice (Philadelphiaburg’s dark revenger1). The Humorist (ineffectual supervillain turned ineffectual government agent2) sits down next to them with a sandwich lunch.
Justice: What are you doing here?
Stevie: The Humorist and I are both on the Snow Croquet team.
Humorist: Didn’t you see us take on the Scanadinavians this morning?
Justice: I was watching Fencing.
Humorist: Isn’t that a summer sport?
Justice: Ski-fencing. I’m an alternate on the team.
Stevie: I thought you were lined up to play.
Justice: They benched me because I kept purposefully letting my opponents score the first point on me.
Humorist: Tsk. Rookie mistake.
Justice: My code of honor requires that my opponent has to hurt someone before I attack them.
Stevie: Well, uh, I hope someone else on the ski-fencing team suffers a hilarious accident?
Justice: Nah, I’m fine sitting on my ass all day.
Humorist: Couldn’t make the sledding team, eh?
Three very attractive blondes and a moderately attractive moose sit down at a nearby table (except for the moose, who stands).
Stevie: …What is that?
Justice: That’s the Scanadanavian Bikini Team. They’re the favorites to win the gold.
Stevie: You can’t call dibs on the Scanadanavian Bikini Team.
Humorist: They’re Canadian dibs.
Justice: You can’t call dibs on three girls at once.
Humorist: What about the moose?
Stevie: Why would you want the moose?
Humorist: Maybe I want to eat the moose.
Humorist: What? I’m hungry.
Justice: You have a sandwich.
The Humorist looks down in front of him.
He calmly starts chowing down.
Justice: Dibs on the one to the left of the moose.
Justice: I’m going in.
Humorist: Wait, I have a plan.
Justice does not go in.
Humorist: As we all know, women are attracted to men who are next to cute things, like puppies or babies.
Stevie: …I don’t like where this is going.
Humorist: So I figure, all we need to do is lure them here. Next to Stevie’s super-adorableness, the two of us will appear to them as Olympian gods.
Stevie: And I get the moose right?
Humorist: You got it, sport.
Justice: I think there’s a kink in your plan.
Justice points over to the bikini team’s table. They’re being chatted up by a couple of guys from the Greek super-delegation.
Humorist: Aw, man. Actual Olympian gods?
Justice: We’re not going to compete with that.
Humorist: All right, new plan. We send Stevie over there. His cuteness will compound the Greek guys’ appearances, making them blindingly attractive. Then the girls won’t be able to see anymore, and we can win them over with the force of our personality.
Stevie: I don’t think you’ve thought that plan through.
In short order, the Scanadinavians leave with the Greeks. Soon their table is taken by the Scanadinavian Men’s Bikini team. Stevie, Justice, and Humorist stare at their lunches.