by Shai Nir
Drawing his powers from a secret barrel of nucleoactive radios, he is…
Stevie, Boy Wonder!
Morning in Philadelphiaburg, a shining city of good hardworking citizens — a bright beacon of liberty and financial security. As the light of a new day dawns on the city, its sworn protector Stevie, Boy Wonder, is perched high upon a rooftop, vigilantly watching like an early bird for crime to rear its wormy head. Or maybe its wormy tail. Is there even a difference?
Stevie: Wait, wait, something’s not right here. If it’s dawn, I should be sound asleep in bed. This doesn’t make any sense… Holy crud, I must be dreaming!
Stevie jumps around and pokes himself until he is sufficiently convinced that he is in fact dreaming.
Stevie: This is awesome. I can do anything! I can beat up monsters, and shoot lasers, and fly… Well, I already do that. But now I can beat up better monsters, and shoot super-lasers. And super-fly!
Voice from offscreen: Did somebody say superfly?
Stevie: I guess I did, but… Disco Inferno!
A demonic yet dazzlingly funky figure rises to meet Stevie face to face. His outstretched wings scorch the very air they touch; his eyes blaze literally but also metaphorically. His bell-bottoms flare.
Disco Inferno: Dig it, Boy Wonder.
Stevie: My greatest foe ever. After all these years, how did you escape from your cold fire prison on Pluto?
Disco: I… don’t know actually. Somehow. Look, it’s a dream, it doesn’t have to all make sense. The point is I’ve returned from that icy planet to ta—
Stevie: It’s actually not really a planet anymore. Just a dwarf planet.
Disco: Ah, how I savor the chance to put an end to your persistent semantic nitpickishness.
Stevie: Nitpickiness? Nitpickosity?
Disco raises his hands to the sky and summons a maelstrom of fire that envelops the entire building.
Disco: Now, Stevie, we’ll see whose fire is stronger.
Stevie: Bring it on.
And then Stevie woke up.
Night in Philadelphiaburg. The city is a rotting bird carcass being fought over by gangs of desperate dogs. The streets are extended sidewalks and the sidewalks are full of people who suck. Fuck Philadelphiaburg.
Stevie finds himself in the passenger seat of an inconspicuous car parked on a side street in the lame side of town. In the driver’s seat is Philadelphiaburg’s dark revenger, Poetic Justice.
Stevie: Okay, we know the Yakuza is running a counterfeiting ring from right inside that building. Why are we still staking it out? I thought you gritty vigilante types didn’t need warrants.
Justice: I’m a dark revenger, not a dark prevenger. I can’t take action until I see them committing some crime.
Stevie: Well, wake me up when something happens. I’m gonna try to get back to that awesome dream I was having.
An unmarked van rolls by and drops something in front of the Yakuza building. It’s a yellowtail wrapped in a condom.
Justice: Well, that’s fishy.
Stevie: What does it mean?
Justice: I don’t know, but it counts as littering. Let’s kick some ass.
Stevie and Justice run into the building to scrub their share of scum from the city. A vaguely amazing fight scene ensues and soon the block is swarming with authorities as the two heroes lead the defeated Yakuza agents into police vans.
Justice: I hope you learned your morel. Try to smelt counterfeit coins and you’ll spend the rest of your dace under lox.
Justice: Revenge is a fish best served cold.
And so Poetic Justice and Stevie, Boy Wonder continue their struggle to polish the festering turd that is Philadelphiaburg. From its grimy, wretched underbelly… Damn it, I can’t do this anymore. Sandra, come back to me! You’re everything to me, you know he doesn’t care about you!
Stevie: Are you all right, big guy?
Sorry, I’m just… I’m at a bad place in my life right now.
Stevie: I understand. Don’t worry, you’ll get over her.
Justice: Yeah, there are plenty of fish in the sea.