by Steven Green
Ladies and Gentlepeople,
Over the hundreds of years since Shakespeare’s death, there has been much speculation about his character. Some say he was vulgar, vile, and rather bourgeoisie. Others attempt to claim he never existed at all. But the truth is they were all wrong. A new manuscript has been discovered buried beneath his former home in Stratford upon Avon that has been dated back to the late 16th century. Contained in this manuscript are a few original versions of Sonnets and Plays that were later changed to conform to contemporary political correctness standards. Shakespeare was, and always had been, an adamant anti-Semite. We bring to you now a Sonnet that has previously never been seen by any human besides the famous man who wrote it. I must warn you, it may be offensive to some readers:
My mistress’s eyes are nothing like the sun:
More needy, more beady and more greedy.
If snow be white than the time has begun
To lead a life of finances seedy.
I’ve been around her so it can be said
I’ve seen her drudging in Huntsman through chore.
If evil’s crimson, then her pupils are red,
For her people have caused every major war.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That screeching hath a far more pleasing sound.
For when she opens her mouth she doth show
That my mistress is the dumbest around.
But when I hold her I feel seared anew,
For though I hate her people, she has a nice ass for a Jew.
Next week we will publish Shakespeare’s original version of The Merchant of Venice, including the original depiction of Shylock the Jew and the startling climax that has Shylock travelling back in time and murdering Jesus.