by Walker Hawkins
Hi! Thanks for purchasing my blog tutorial!! My name is Ja….wait, what am I doing, we’re on the Internet so you should just address me by my sn (that’s short for screen name, I’ll be dropping those a lot so watch out!!!!) PhillsPhan4523. As you might be able to tell just from the amount of exclamation points already in this lesson, I am an avid blog user, reader, writer, and just all around enthusiast. Do you know the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning? If you guessed “blog!!!”, you almost got it. That’s actually the second thing I do. The first is masturbate. Although I wasn’t going to touch on it until lesson three, you need to remember the two musts of a bloghologist: semi-original thoughts and lotion…lots and lots of lotion (I once heard the number one cause of blogger deaths is chaffing, can you guess number two? It’s heartbreak from that bitch Megan Fox never returning my e-mails…). Let’s get started!?!?!?
1. Name your blog:
This is the first step in earning your degree in bloghology. It needs to be something catchy. Something that when seen immediately lets the reader know what they’re about to read. For instance, can you guess what I post on my blog ladyandthetrampstamps.com? Well, after my letter from Disney requesting that I stop posting pictures of Lady from the movie with tramp stamps superimposed on her ass, you would be right if you said college girls with tattoos.
Here are a few examples:
Before you ask, these websites are unfortunately already taken. But, visit them. Study them. Take pictures of Amy for me. In general, just get a feel for how the content relates to the name…and why one day Amy and I will be together.
2. Post regularly:
Nothing annoys avid blog readers more than coming back to a site to find that it hasn’t been updated for weeks. I mean, first you get totally hooked on the world’s biggest butternut squashes and then all of a sudden, POOF! Gone. Fuck you mrbutternuts.com. Sorry, it’s just frustrating. Remember though, this doesn’t mean you need to post every hour. We have lives to…How I Met Your Mother marathon? BRB!!!! What was I saying? Oh yeah, do that.
3. Have fun:
Pretty self-explanatory, but equally important. Do you think Kobe would go to work every day if he didn’t enjoy it? Yeah, I’m assuming he’d still probably go to work anyways (girls and Range Rovers are girls and Range Rovers right? I just high-fived myself ). Bad example. Anyways, the moral here is do it because you love it or because you secretly believe Obama is a socialist robot sent here by Kenyan tribesmen.
4. Speak English:
Look, I know the Internet is global at this point, but that doesn’t make SurfrHosa3457<3 right for commenting on my latest blog post in French. French? Are you fucking serious? Does this look like France? Do I wear a beret? Besides that one profile pic, no I don’t. On a related note, Rosetta Stone is really good. I’m going to zing SurfrHosa3457<3 so f-ing hard is baguette is going to feel it. USA! USA! USA!
5. Crack is whack:
I should probably mention I’m writing this from prison. Seriously, don’t do drugs. Also, thank you for your credit card information.
IF YOU RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE, PLEASE ALERT YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITIES. WAIT, DID YOU ALREADY GIVE YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER? WELL THERE’S NOT MUCH WE CAN DO AT THIS POINT. SURE, I CAN FILE THE REPORT, BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO DO MUCH. OK, HERE’S YOUR CASE NUMBER AND MY CARD.