by Michelle Zimmerman
Hey hotties!!! I totally picked great questions this week…one’s from my little brother! I know you can’t wait. So like, keep those inquiries coming cuz I could give advice all day long! I’m like an advice machine! Hahaha! No seriously, I just like helping out people who need my help. It’s like totally fun and looks great on my resume. Catch ya’ll later!!
Q: There’s this girl I like a lot, she’s really cool and really hot (of course), but the problem is she does martial arts and can probably beat me up. What’s the protocol for approaching her without freaking her out and getting a kick in the groin?
A: Number one is to not come off like a sissy. Girls, especially mannish, karate chopping types, don’t go for sissies. I mean I totally want someone who can protect me and make me feel all pretty and girly, so you need to man up and like totally show your lady friend who is boss, whether she’s like a scary tranny or not. So like if you’re at a bar, just buy her a drink and you know she’s not a light weight so like pull out the big guns. And get a drink for yourself too. It’ll calm those nerves so maybe you can like open up to her more. But not too much! I’d rather get a bikini wax than listen to guys complain. “Oh, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get the girls to notice me? I’m sooo emo. Blah blah blah…” Maybe because you’re getting tears all over my silk halter-top crybaby! And after you’ve got her good and plastered, hehehe, that’s when you make your big move. So since I’m assuming this karate girl likes getting man-handled, try initiating some innocent competition like arm-wrestling (unless you’re likely to lose cuz that’s like the opposite of hot) or grab her and pull her out on the dance floor where YOU lead. Think Dancing with the Stars, like the best show on TV. Emmit Smith is sooo old but he dances like an angel! But never forget to be the aggressor in your case by like caressing her thigh or nibbling her neck or some other spicy move! She’s drunk, so she’ll let you, trust me! Just be sure that when you two end up hooking up, get the heck outa her room before she wakes up. Will she be happy to see your scrawny butt in the morning? I think not. Will she rip you a new one? Yes, if you don’t run fast! So be safe, have fun, and always remember to wrap it before you tap it!! Hahaha, I totally crack myself up.
Q: Hey sis, nice to hear that dad hooked your room up. I mean, I don’t need anything like plush carpeting, window dressings, or your beloved throw pillows. But I’m sleeping on a fucking cot! Where the hell is my room makeover, you spoiled brat? Your used sheets, lovely paisley by the way, and grandma’s smelly arm chair are no way to get ass around here! Help a brotha out!! Rather than spending Dad’s money on more Goddamn shoes you’ll probably wear once, you could send some cash so I could by at least a lamp and maybe curtains (I’m starting to get creeped out by the homeless Hartfordians that stare through the window and beg for food)?
A: AWWW little Jeremy in college. I’m like so ridiculously excited for you baby bro. No more mommy and daddy, no more girls who don’t put out (but I mean I still don’t of course… okay just don’t tell Daddy teehee), you can be drunk whenever and wherever (Japanese class is especially funny after a few drinks), and you can sleep late cuz class doesn’t matter as long as you can pump out really accurate BS… It’s soooo the best time EVER!!! But if you think for a second that I’d give up my shopping money, forget it loser. I mean, what do you need the money for anyways? You were always happy like living in the basement; I don’t know what you and your girlfriends did down there. I’d like die of boredom completely! I also didn’t hear a peep when Daddy got me my Jetta and you that Sentra, Hahaha! Tacky!! And most importantly, like what’s your problem with shoes? They never did anything to you! Like seriously, who wears shoes more than once? If you can answer that, maybe I’ll send you some like alcohol or something. That’s like all I can think you would be in need of. So until I talk to you next time, all I have to say to you is DEAL WITH IT!!! But call me sometime! Love ya Jer! XOXOXOXO
Q: When is it okay to wear navy blue and black together?
A: Ummm… Never.
Q: Whenever I go to the gym I’m always self-conscious because I seem to end up next to the most fit, athletic people. How can I convince myself that I’m there for me, not them?
A: OMG I totally go to the gym just for me. Like if I didn’t want to be there, 5 hours a day on the elliptical would be torture right?! Hahaha! But I go like daily cuz then I don’t feel guilty about eating 30 almonds versus the normal serving size of 20, among other things. It’s liberating knowing that by like exercising I’m in total control over my body and it’s great cuz people tell me I’m skinny all the time, which is a huge confidence booster. Another bonus of going to the gym is all the cute boys!! If you’re like serious about lifting, they’ll all come up and wave to you at that 2nd floor window in Pottruck. They’re like totally impressed that I can lift 60 lbs with my inner thighs. And if you use the glute machine you’re sure to be offered a hand cuz that machine’s really tricky I guess. It’s a great way to make friends! So like by going to the gym for my own sake, I can forget about all those other girls who look on me with a scrutinizing eye. I think the first thing you can do to make yourself more comfortable is to find a workout buddy maybe… me?!?! I could totally use the support cuz I’m like a massive whale right now (106 lbs?? I just wanna be freaking 100!!!). But if you’re down to sweat it out with me, you can find me on the elliptical from like 4-9. My like totally genius theory is if you exercise through dinner you fully forget about eating, it’s key!