by Walker Hawkins
Every Friday, the Punch Bowl allows any member of its staff to submit a column. This week we chose Walker Hawkins, a notable Texan.
Am I the only one who has gotten really tired of hearing about all the pre-Freshman programs that everyone attended? I swear, if someone tells me they went to PENNacle or PennQuest or PennCORP one more time, my self-esteem will never recover. I guess Penn just forgot to send me the letter, which is fine because I didn’t even want to go. While they were busy forming friendships that will last a lifetime, I was busy doing really meaningful stuff as well (like masturbating, twice daily)… Anyways, what’s so great about these pre-Freshman programs? Since I have no desire to ask someone who actually attended one of these three programs what exactly they entailed, I’ve decided to explain the best of my abilities what they are all about.
PENNacle: From what I gather, and I use “gather” loosely, PENNacle is this program specifically designed for students interested in “leadership”. Basically, a bunch of Wharton kids, or “A” students as they were called in high school, get together a few days before school officially begins and discuss the essence of leadership. They quickly become very close as they realize they all share the same quality, ambition, known to the rest of the world as “bacne”. Obviously, the program is pretty sausage so the participants also decide that besides having a 4.0, losing their virginity is going to be a top priority.
PennQuest: This pre-Freshman program is a little bit more intense than PENNacle, as these people actually decide they want to spend their last four days of summer hiking and camping. It prides itself on being the only opportunity for students to truly bond with each other, something that is not present in any other aspect of college life. I guess I can agree with this, I mean the first thing I did when I moved in was tell my GA to mind his fucking business (my dad gave a huge donation and I don’t have to put up with that bullshit) and posted a sign on my door that says “I have herpes”; no friendships can ever come from that. Surprisingly, for most of the campers, it’s their first time outdoors. I had a Jewish friend back home and he said that his Synagogue had hiking trips all the time. I guess Judaism in the Northeast just does things differently. In their defense, Hillel does have some pretty good sushi.
PennCORP: The final and seemingly most unproductive pre-Freshman program is PennCORP. Out of all the things you could possibly do as a group (see a movie, got to a party, have an orgy, etc…), these people decide to do community service. First of all, I was under the impression that community service was just something you did to put on your college application or as a punishment for a misdemeanor (200 hours for two fucking grams of Schwag, I know it’s not Amsterdam, but shit, it’s not the Soviet Union either). Look, we get it, you’re more than willing to do some car wash fundraisers or pretend like you care about some under-privileged kid to get into college, but who are you trying to impress now? When you do community service in college you’re just asking for people to not like you, unless they’re the homeless person whose house you shabbily built and filled with asbestos, then they’ll thank you now for the house and later for the ensuing ‘Lethal Habitat for Humanity” lawsuit and scandal. Oh, and just so you know, Punch Bowl cured AIDS, top that PennCORP.