by Matt Fox
Hey gang, Matt Fox here! As Punchbowl’s only nurse, I tend to see lots of humor magazine-related injuries: paper cuts, writers block, syphilis. But lots of diseases aren’t humor or humor-magazine related, and because of this surprising fact, I’m dedicating this week’s column to health education. Let’s begin!
First, let’s talk about sex. Don’t have it. It will kill you. You will die. If you absolutely need to have sex, use a condom. In layman’s terms, a condom is a portable power tool or device used for cutting, typically a thin blade with teeth linked in an endless chain. Most are made of latex, and most require gasoline or a long extension cord. Having a condom in hand is the safest way to approach a sexual encounter. There are some other ways of having safe sex, too.
Brain cancer: According to my research, brain cancer is the most common issue facing college campuses, second only to date rape. Brain cancer can be spread in a variety of ways, including blood transfusions and date rape. Symptoms of brain cancer include dizziness, headaches, and death. If you experience any of these, you should do something about it.
Next, we are going switch gears from real health problems to mental health problems. Archaic science once maintained that diseases of cognition and behavior were caused by demons or an imbalance of humors. Today we know that mental wellbeing is directly related to how attractive you are. Remember, hotter is happier. If you or someone you know is struggling with attractiveness, Counseling and Psychological Services @ Penn, located on the 3rd floor of Pottruck Gym, offers free and confidential personal training.
Now let’s talk about Marijuana. It’s fantastic. But there are some important health issues that must be brought to my readers’ attention. The medical community is in agreement that pot smokers are at in increased risk for Amotivational Syndrome, the symptomatology of which includes markedly abnormal social interaction (remember: you aren’t fooling anyone when you come to class stoned), communication ability (do you know what “mad headie slice” means? I bet you do, Sir Bongsalot), patterns of interests (enjoying 20-minute-long songs), and patterns of behavior (beard-growing). Also, articulating shit is mad hard, and it’s also pretty easy to get distracted and
Razor Burn is a dangerously under-diagnosed and poses risk for nearly everyone, regardless of class or race, with the strange exception of the Brazilian population. Diagnosed via lumbar puncture and cerebrospinal fluid analysis, Razor Burn typically requires somewhere between 2 months and 3 years of intensive chemotherapy before remission. Currently, experimental “shaving cream” therapies are under investigation, but chemo is still held as the gold standard for treatment.
Finally, let’s talk about binge drinking. Binge drinking, while facilitating socialization, has many deleterious effects on the central nervous system. The portions of the brain that takes decent photographs, does not vomit, and controls the cocked-ness of one’s baseball cap have been implicated as damaged in binge drinkers according to recent x-rays of my webshots. Binge drinking can be easily self-diagnosed and self-treated: simply stand in front of a mirror. If you suddenly find yourself chanting “E-A-G-L-E-S” you should immediately adjust your hat and find a hedge or shrub to sober up under.
All other health problems are probably not worth knowing about, so use this guide any time anything bad happens to your body. If it’s not on here, you’re about 82% going to live. Otherwise just follow my advice, and remember, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but I’m a nurse, so I don’t need to really see proof of the apple or anything, I’ll just take your word for it.