“Antiquum Domum Seriousem” “Seriously Old-Looking Dorm”
Inside these hallowed walls lies the true majesty of Ivy League life. The lushly groomed lawn is reminiscent of a golf-course fairway, the building itself radiates both the wisdom of classes passed and the youthful exuberance of the Freshman to come. The rooms are appropriately spacious to accommodate one’s personal form and mental acuity, yet sufficiently intimate to form lasting bonds with one’s hallmates. Students quickly realize that the gorgeous physical plan —the crisscrossing brick paths, the turning leaves of the tree in upper quad, the inspiring statues of Whitefield and Smith— these are but small matters compared to those characteristics of the Quad Houses that transcend physical form. Verily, the Quad houses are more than dorms, they are the idealists’ dream: social community, intellectually stimulating peers, and no Irish.
“Multos Multos Orientalis” “Lots and Lots of Asians”
Before coming to college, people are often concerned that they’ll make the wrong sorts of friends. In King’s Court, it’s guaranteed not to be an issue. People here don’t have friends. In fact, Asians didn’t discover the concept of social interaction until Commodore Perry traded the technology to the Japanese in exchange for some tea, some incense, three ninja slaves, and a katana.
“Habitum in unum room” “To live in one room”
These socially conducive close-quarter living spaces are ideal for any freshman. Why? The ordeal of living with no air condition inside coffin-sized rooms will bond your hallmates faster than a bucket of superglue thrown onto an orgy. A year spent in Hill will bring wonderful memories, lifelong friendships, and collective webshots of your mad-cap escapades, proving to everyone on facebook that you not only have friends, but drink as well.
WEB DuBois House
“Tokenus Blackus Domus” “Token Black House”
If you want to live with black people in West Philadelphia, you don’t really have to fill out a special form.
In accordance with the wishes of Auguste Rodin, the well known sculptor for whom the dorm is named, architectural details depict scenes from Dante’s Inferno. Note the shape of angels in the leakspot in your ceiling, the detailed demonic hordes that the mice gnawed into your electrical wiring, and that that homeless guy who claims to be St. Peter that lives in the stairwell. A true architectural masterpiece, Rodin House represents the beautiful medley of form and … well, just form. No, actually, not form either.
Hamilton House (For those who aren’t Freshmen)
The residents of Hamilton House have been in constant conflict with the residents of the lesser known Jefferson House for some time. Hamilton advocates protectionist policies. Jefferson, on the other hand, advocates a university of yeoman scholars becoming involved in virtuous agriculture from 40th to the Schuylkill (prick). Despite rocky relations with Jefferson, Hamilton was in fact demolished in 1804 at the hands of Burr House, now known at Hillel. Although the dorm was rebuilt, the college Democratic-Republicans have since gone on to form West Philly Swingers.