by Michelle Zimmerman
Q: What should I eat to stay lean when I don’t have time to exercise?
A: In the famous words of Emily Blunt (my hero) from the classic film, “the Devil Wears Prada,” “I don’t eat anything… and then when I feel like I’m about to faint, I eat a cube of cheese.” This is soooo my mantra. I mean, who needs food if all you’re doing is like sitting around and studying. I mean it’s understandable to have a salad now and again if you’re like me spending like 5 hours at the gym, but for hitting the books the prescription is tons of caffeine and sugar in the form of Diet Coke and Jelly Bellies : ) … they’ll keep your motor running and act as a diarrhetic! So, limited food consumption and diarrhetics… you’re thinking you should be a little concerned about illness, right? Wrong! That could be the best case scenario. To reiterate the ideal views on dieting of Miss Emily Blunt, “I’m one stomach flu away from reaching my goal weight.”
Q: How can I tell if I have herpes?
A: Whoa, what are we talking here? Like are you growing weird pus-like stuff in your mouth, or are you just all red and itchy down there? I’m no expert on such matters but it’s all gross and you should have it looked at by a doctor. I mean, not only is this hang-up probably making you extremely uncomfortable in intimate situations, but who’s gonna wanna touch you? I wouldn’t with a 10 ft. pole! Hahaha, I’m so cheesy, not unlike your punani! EWWW!
Anyways, they show all those ads in magazines and on TV for feminine issues so maybe you could check them out first. Or is that for like yeast infections (also gross)? But that could be a possible condition you may be confusing with herpes, silly girl. I know for a fact that those symptoms include unusual, off-white discharge that may be strangely scented… wait, this is NOT from personal experience of course… it was some girl in my sorority. She looked all uncomfortable at chappy and people said she smelled kinda like beer. Anyways… that’s embarrassing, and I digress.
You should also do a self-diagnosis thingy on WebMD or wikipedia. It’s pretty accurate, I mean my mom totally self-diagnosed like a cavity and when she had the flu. Try that out, but if you’re stupid and can’t figure it out, just go to a real doc. Like McDreamy, soooo hot!
Q: I’m throwing a party and want a great theme, one that hasn’t been done before of course. Any ideas?
A: Okay, my friends and I are the masters of theme parties!! We’ve totally done like everything from Desperate Housewives to Derelict and they’ve all been ridiculous! But like, I can’t give you all of my secret weapons of course, so I’ll just let you have one that I’m pretty proud of but haven’t had the opportunity to throw… Are you ready? She’s a good one… And the theme is… TWISTED!! So this would be like the best party ever because there are so many twisted things. Like, have everyone watch the movie Twister with Helen Hunt, as they do the twist to songs by Twisted Sister. And after your guests are nice and shwastey off of Smirnoff Twisted you can totally have them play like strip Twister just to spice things up. And if you wanna get really nutty, have everyone do tongue twisters… Hahaha! I just made that last one up, but it was pretty twisted right? So, how good is that? Please feel free to make this idea your own and HAVE FUN!! Oh and like I must be invited of course, I need to see my genius played out.