by Michelle Zimmerman
Q: I always get sick for most of the winter. Any tips to keep me healthy this year?
A: Well my mom always tells me to dress warmly, take my vitamins, and get enough sleep. I have one thing to say about that… F*** that!! Those chunky sweaters that come out in the winter… make you look chunky! And multi vitamins are for postmenopausal women or my grandma Helen in the Jewish home! So like, I stick to my routine of eating sparingly, always keeping busy and of course I’m always going out, but do I ever get sick? Umm… NOOO! I totally have this theory that alcohol like dries up the germs or something so that if I’m starting to feel sick I go out and make sure to take a few shots and just annihilate those bad boys. It works like a charm. Plus getting sick in the first place is sooo not hot anyways cuz you can’t make out if you’re hacking up a lung and it would be so gross to shoot a snot rocket while laughing at joke or something. Talk about committing socially suicide! So my solution to keeping you out in the social scene (and healthy) is to get you out in the social scene. Don’t shy away from heading to parties on those cold winter night. Instead drink that Hypnotic or gin & tonic (they sound kinda like medicine anyways teehee!) and maybe you can catch a hot boy to keep you warm rather than a cold!
Q: I’m really embarrassed. I hooked up with two guys recently and it turns out they’re housemates. I don’t want them to think I hook up guys like that all the time, because I don’t! Should I say anything to them?
A: Hey there, super slut!! Hahaha, just kidding! Seriously, don’t worry your pretty head over this one hun. This is like totally common cuz hot guys usually roll together. Thus, the unfortunate coincidence that your two hookups ended up being cohabitants (OMG, do I sound smart or what?!) I mean, there aren’t that many hot guys at Penn so just enjoy the fact that you found two worthy of swapping spit with. OR did you spend the night and see the other guy in the morning? That would be hilarious!!! Hahaha, and in that case we should be friends because your stories must be hours of entertainment. But the worst thing you could do is make things awkward by bringing it up to them or pretending that you regret it or something. You have to play it off like you know you’re hot, so obviously you were irresistible to both of them. Like, the first dude didn’t go talking about you to his housemates, so you were definitely free to do your thang! And you can totally use this to your advantage. With two guys thinking you’re hot shit, you can get them to fight over you (can we say dinner at POD?). The thing is that boys totally talk to each other about girls they get with, so it might be wise to just pick one of them. Choose the one who’s not looking for something serious (cuz I know you’re not… playa!) to play nice with so that you have a potential booty-call. Just make sure you end up back at your place next time.
Q: With the holidays approaching, what’s the best way to do my shopping on a college student’s budget?
A: Well first of all, it’s not like high school where if you don’t buy stuff for everyone they get all mad at you. Now you only have to buy presents for the people who you like stay in contact with! For family, it’s only expected that you buy them tons of Penn shiznit, which you BURSAR, duh! Also on the bursar account should be DVDs for your friends, magazines (just one since they can get their own damn prescriptions!), and all the paper and ribbons for your wrapping needs. Basically, try to get like 70% of your shopping done at the bookstore cuz it’s all like totally great stuff so your friends will think you spent a lot and will wanna reciprocate. Then, for all the important people, you have to get out on black-Friday and get nuts with the sales. It’s so much fun too! You rarely get to clobber people over the last cable-knit sweater at Banana, but you see it everywhere on black-Friday. Another tip is to finish shopping well in advance so you can tell everyone what awesome stuff you have for them and like exaggerate on how much shopping you did/how much you spent. You’ll sooo come out on top with the most quality presents received, hahaha! Happy shopping!