Bring Your Work Home With You

by Jonathan McNulty

Grow Up to Bring Your Work Home With You!!!!

This week:
Become a (1950’s Southern Racist Sexist Bad Person) Judge

Marital Romance

You: Looks like someone needs to serve some hard labor.

Your Wife: Well, we all get summoned for jury duty sometime.

You: I am going to enforce this penal code to its full measure.

Your Wife: I have no objections at this time, your honor.

You: All rise!

Your Wife: Oh, George!

You: Gerk! I’ve reached a verdict!

Your Wife: I want to appeal! This is a mistrial!

You: (sigh) Sustained.

Your Wife: I’m going to drag out this case until I get the outcome I want.

You: The court will now break for a short recess and resume in 5 minutes.

(You light a Kent Filter cigarette. Really clears out your t-section.)

Childrearing

You: You’re out of order!

Your Rebellious Son: Sit on it, Dad, I’m gonna race my coup and neck some foxes at the Point while I tune in to some rock and roll!

You: I gave you this life sentence but I can easily commute it so you’re out of here in eighteen!!

Your Rebellious Son: You’ll never understand me, Square!

You: That’s because you’re a closet case just like your mother!…I mean…Gavel Gavel Gavel!!

Sexual Harassment

You: Go on, say it.

Your Beleaguered Secretary: (Sigh) You’re as big as twelve men.

You: (Feigned surprise) Oh, really you think so?

Your Beleaguered Secretary: Yes. You’re hung like a jury.

You: NO! It’s you’re like a hung jury.

Your Beleaguered Secretary: I really think mine makes more sense, grammatically.

You: I know, but hung jury is an expression.

Your Beleaguered Secretary: Fine. You’re like a hung jury.

(Pause)

You: And?

Your Beleaguered Secretary: …and it’s so white.

You: Well, it is the South!!! Ha Ha! (Pause)…Well don’t just stand there, you didn’t get hired for being able to type 35 words a minute. The only words you need to get now are “I’m done” and who knows how many minutes that’ll be.

You: I’m done.

Your Beleaguered Secretary: Really?

You: YES REALLY! WHAT IS IT WITH ALL YOU BULL DYKES ON MY CASE TODAY! Hey…on my case! I didn’t even mean that one.

Divorce

Your Wife: At least let me see the kids.

You: Nope.

Your Wife: You still owe me alimony.

You: I’m a Judge. I know all the other Judges in this state. Good luck, woman.

Prison

Your Cellmate: Remember when you sentenced me here, Your Honor?

You: Uh…yes.

Your Cellmate: Welcome to hard time.

You: I don’t suppose this counts as badgering the OW! Marcus!

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