In light of breaking news today about hazing abuses at Alpha Phi Alpha, we wanted to provide some insight into the issue the only way we know how: finding vaguely relevant pieces from long-forgotten Punch Bowls. So for today, we have some pledging advice from 1999 that everyone’d be sure to benefit from.
Tips for Pledging
Right now, if you’re trying to enter the Greek system, you’re probably stressed out from having to take shit from seniors and from constantly having to pick dog food out of your teeth. Well, we all know about the difficulty of pledging, so here are some helpful tips you can use to turn pledging into a fun and safe experience.
● If you are asked to read something, say that you are an illiterate moron… Frat boys know what only dorks can read.
● Try to convert as many brain cells to liver cells as possible.
● Physical abuse promotes brotherhood. Ask your pledge master to beat you to the brink of death.
● Before signing a big, be sure to know if that fraternity prefers date rape or gang rape.
● Community Service is for pussies.
● If the fraternity or sorority you really wanted to join did not give you a bid, you are probably a loser and should kill yourself.
● Be sure to wear protection when being forced to sodomize animals.
● Many girls express concern about their appearance during pledging. Don’t worry- if you are fat and ugly, your sisters will let you know.
● Sistahood is an important part of sorority life… make sure you are black.
● If all the people around you seem the same, it’s because they are. Try and lose your individuality.