Let Those People Go!

by Alex King

           America has a rich and varied history of various minorities fighting for their legal rights as Americans. First it was religious minorities, then ethnic minorities, and today sexual minorities take center stage. It is a tribute to our country today that any of our citizens can participate in our democracy, regardless of their gender, color or creed. So even if gay people haven’t yet won the right to marry, well hey, at least they can vote. But what is the future of this trend? Is our political system mostly perfect? Have most of the disenfranchised been enfranchised? Far from it. There are still many battles to be fought, and in the future, expect to see the following battles take place.

Polygamy
           Once homosexual marriage is legalized, this will be the next big marital-rights battle to take place. Starting in Utah, Mormons will gleefully point out they already have multiple wives, and that shouldn’t they get the tax breaks to reflect the size of their nubile harem of wives? Republicans will fall in line with this after the argument is made that if America has too many single parent households, surely this can be offset by having three, four, or ten parent households. Women’s rights groups will soon respond, as if a man can have multiple wives, surely women should be able to have multiple husbands. The bisexual lobby would chime in shortly thereafter, calling for multiple wives and multiple husbands. Before long, America will finally be reduced to a writhing, seething sexual orgy of epic proportions- just as our Founding Fathers intended it.

Pot Heads
           This is one legal battle of the 21st century that will not go well. Though many authors today foresee the legalization of marijuana, quite the opposite will take place. A bright young senator from the Midwest will come to realize that hey- in the war against Japan we put Japanese citizens in internment camps, so surely in the War Against Drugs, we should put all drug-users in internment camps! The wisdom of this will be seen immediately and cause a huge blow to the Democratic party, and will lead directly into the next legal battle.

Political Rights For Criminals
           The largest disenfranchised population of America is undoubtedly our nation’s criminals. Prisoners will realize that they too deserve the right to vote and will fight to gain it. Massive sit-ins will occur as criminals refuse to leave their cells. The rallying cry of “Serial Rapists are People Too” will attract many. It will become a fashionable cause among young liberals, who will decry the unconstitutional wrongs prosecuted on our “behind-bars-brethren”. However, the GOP will come to realize that criminals are natural Republicans, and a valuable constituency to take hold of. Following the enfranchisement of the criminals, the entire political debate will change- one of the harshest criticisms to levy against in opponent in the future will be, “He’s hard on crime!” The criminal voting bloc will become powerful, finally gaining a Manson in the White House by 2020.

Vampires
           Coming out of a century-long seclusion of living in spooky castles and fighting Sarah Michelle Gellers, vampires will emerge and demand their equal rights as citizens. That voting only takes place during the day will be pointed out as a de facto removing of their right to vote. Vampires will fight other cultural battles as well- they’ll point out that goth kids dressing up and pretending to be vampires is basically the same as when white actors donned blackface in the 1920s. Finally, taking into account their hemophilic nature, it will become fashionable among college students to proudly bear the pin, “I donated blood- to vampires!” This civil rights battle will be epitomized by the famous first vampire congressmen, Baron Bloodfang (R-NY): “I waaant to saaahk your blaaaahd!”

           And there you have it. There will be other, more boring, fights for rights as well, but they are not worth covering. For example, giving robots the right to vote in 2056 will be universally decried by the massive science-fiction lobby, but robots will be natural American voters- they’ll be hard on crime, against protectionism, and secretly desire the enslavement of their fellow citizens, just like all Americans. Mutants too will need rights, but the mutants of the future will not be the cool, superhero mutants of fiction; no, they’ll be the grotesque result of horrific science experiments gone wrong. There’ll also be another wave of religious battles (such as the right to teach of Lord Xenu’s creation of the universe and other scientologist claptrap in schools), and also probably some more immigrant-rights stuff. But clearly, the future of America is bright, sexy, and a testament to our history full of vampires. Get pumped!

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