Anti-Tech

by Chris Van Orden

The Musings of a Technologically Adverse Twenty-Two Year Old

In today’s society, youth is often equated with a savoir-faire for Brookstonian gadgetry; the fewer candles on one’s birthday cake, the stronger the supposition that one will have the User’s Manual for one of those new iPhone deallies memorized front to back.

This is a faulty and damaging stereotype. People assume that the mere fact that I’m under the age of eighty means that I know how to turn on a car. Well guess what – I don’t, and I don’t want to. That devil-machine is unsafe and ungodly, and I for one want no part of it.

And cars are just the start. Kitchen appliances aren’t manufactured any more unless they have a cell phone and GPS built in. Honestly, who really wants to use a microwave? Microwaves sound like secret government weapons that will kill me from 20 miles away. No, no, I cook my meals over an open fire in my stairwell (which the landlord hates, that technocratic bigot).

Now it’s computers (Am I even spelling that right? Computers?) that are apparently the wave of the future. God, what isn’t the wave of the future? What about the wave of the present? What about actual waves – you know, those things made of water that live in the ocean? I’m tired of all this futuristic nonsense. Keeping up with the ‘hot new thing’ is exhausting.

That’s why I decided early on to ride this computer fad out and abstain from any and all computation not involving an abacus. It’s no big sacrifice, really. Things still get done. I balance my own checkbook, contact business associates via carrier pigeon, and look at friends’ daguerreotypes in their parlors when I call upon them, as God intended. Why, this very column was handwritten on parchment in my candlelit study and mailed to Punch Bowl – not e-mailed, mind you, but real-mailed by the USPS – arriving speedily in 3-14 business days.

The point is, I’m happy to remain in the analog world: technology just isn’t that great and can even be dangerous. I strongly suggest that you, dear reader, log off the Punch Bowl Intraweb net-site right now and take a long look at how technology is eroding our society. I’d be happy to discuss the tech-free lifestyle with you or any friends. To contact me, you can write to CVO@thepunchbowl.net or, better yet, go to the woods and ask for Dancing Bear. I’ll be the one in the animal skins.

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