by Tati A.
Every Friday, Punch Bowl allows any member of its staff to submit a column for the website. Today, Tati A. offers us some reflections on sorority rush.
Ode to Rush
“Hey babe, rush week is starting.
Come with us, it’ll be great!!”
Dude, I don’t need more fucking sisters
I’d much rather masturbate
But as my friends dabbed on their lipstick
I got caught up in the hype
STDT, TriDelt, or ChiO
Who knows, I might be their type
Dressed in high heels and a pushup,
I was looking mighty fine
The first on the list is Theta?
Before I leave I’ll snort a line
Lined up in ABC order
Out in the cold we did stand
Welcome in, my name is stacy candy milly Miffy
Ill take your coat, you shake my hand
Want a brownie? We baked cookies!
Muffins sprinkled with cocaine?
If you eat, we’ll tour the bathroom
It’s how we control weight gain!
“Don’t you just love AChiO?
We’re fucking hot, the perfect date”
“If no one takes you join Phi Sig,
Our personalities are great!”
Where you from and what’s your major?
In which frats do you chillax?
who what do you do around campus?
Do you shave or do you wax?
Oh hey Mimi, this is Tati!
She’s 18 and she likes running
I will leave you two alone
We were talking about sunning
Bitch, I’m tired if these questions
Will you please not call me hun?
Since this can’t get any worse
I might just as well have fun
Taking advantage of the fact
That they have to act real nice
Ill see if they have that fake smile
when I pretend that I have lice.
Do you have SigKappa Pillowfights
With naked sisters making out?
And when you’re having faking an orgasm,
Do you moan, whimper or shout?
I’ve tired meth and I love heroin,
Do you do any blood drives?
Since I’m used to sticking needles,
I could save so many lives!
With brownies smeared all in my teeth
I carry on a conversation
Cindyyy acts like nothing’s happened
Oh, Rush is such a great occasion!
I say I enjoy pole dancing
And making out with my cuz Juan..
No wonder I got rejected
By all the houses, save for one.