by Matt Fox

Medical Conditions That Ought To Be Bands:

1. Toxic Megacolon: the most metal of all intestinal complications.

2. Fifths Disease: medicine’s 90’s alt-rock band.

3. The Shingles: just another Indie disease with “The” in front of it.

4. Syndrome X: tonight at MarBar 12-2, spinning your favorite European house!

5. Thrush: a disease you only get when you’re drunk in a dive bar.

Bands That Ought To Be Medical Conditions:

1. Latin Fever: not as sexy as it sounds, what with all the diarrhea.

2. Primus: acute drug-fueled mania with delusions of bass.

3. Spearhead: unfortunate birth defect when mom smokes too much pot.

4. Millencolin: paradoxical head injury; usually from Doc Martin contact.

5. Black Ty: chronic hip-hop that ultimately results in an amputation.