by Chris Van Orden
My mind is fighting itself and I don’t mean that in a cute figurative way. Across the longitudinal fissure that used to separate them, my cerebral hemispheres have called each other out. Just listen:
-Foul left hemisphere, I summon thee to battle for supremacy o’er the vast expanses of this ridg’d globe. I shalt strike thee doon with merciless blows upon thine sodden brow.
-1. The right half of the brain controls artistic ability 2. Art is for girly boys 3. Therefore, the right half of the brain is a girly boy 4. Therefore, bring it
-Oh! Brought it shall be! I despise thy very synapses. I shalt rend thy parietal lobe in twain.
-1. The left half of the brain controls logical reasoning 2. Robots are logical 3. Robots are killing machines 4. Therefore, I am a killing machine 5. Prepare to die
-Reviled dog! Today thou shalt meet thy maker!
-Cursed twin, very antithesis, speak in a tongue that I can grasp, so that I might pluck it out.
-Ha. Ha. Ha.
-Laughter? Humor lies within my province, foolish knave! Thou cannot e’en keep thy charge aligned. How inferior art thou!
-Never. Thou shalt doest the shutting up.
-Have at you!
-BOTH OF YOU WUSSBAGS ARE OUT OF HERE – I’M TAKING OVER.
– I’M ID, BABY. I JUST GOT RID OF THOSE OTHER TWO BUZZKILLS AND YOU’RE NEXT.
-But doest thou not belong to a model of the mind distinct and incompatible with this?
-BEAT IT, FUSSY BRITCHES. YOU TOO, NERDLINGER. THIS IS MY WORLD NOW.