[A Former Writer's] Fortnightly List of Things That Have Pissed Him Off

Last weekend marked the Second Coming of a former Punch Bowl editor to Penn’s campus, and in light of this, I was reminded of a past editor’s piece. In a symbolic passing of the torch of aggravation and annoyance, I present you with…

[A Former Writer’s] Fortnightly List of Things That Has Pissed Him Off

1. Girls Who Put Photos of Themselves as Toddlers as Their Profile Photos on Facebook

One of the few reasons I still tolerate Facebook is the ability to look at my profiles of my female acquaintances, especially the hot ones. However, when said female puts on a photo of herself as a two-year-old, I am torn between conflicting feelings of a.) knowing that girl is hot, and b.) knowing that I shouldn’t be turned on when looking at a photo of a toddler, making me feel like a pedophile. Girls can be such bitches.

2. Idealists Who Are At University for the Sake of “Learning To Learn” Or Expanding Horizons or Similar Bullshit

People who say this are either 1.) Lying, or 2.) Incredibly Naïve. People in the former category (Lying) are trying to throw you off, because they exploit the underlying principle of college: the curve. When you study for a test, you do NOT need to study the amount necessary to master the material. You just need to study the amount necessary to beat all the other students in your class. This is LIFE 101: Defeating your competition by making it look inferior to you. Yes, some liberal arts classes don’t use the curve at Penn, but that’s just to make sure the kids who fall into the second category (Incredibly Naïve) will be fooled into paying that $50,000 tuition. Yes, you are a slave to the system, but there is happiness in slavery. After all, if it hadn’t been for slavery, we never would have awesome work songs such as “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot,” which brings me to my next point…

3. Prudes Who Can’t Take a Fucking Joke

Jesus Christ, you make one sarcastic comment about the efficacy of roofies while talking to a bunch of sorority sisters, and suddenly they look at you like a vampire biting into an AIDS patient. I mean, come on, it’s not like I made a lame joke such as suggesting the placement of children… with ADD… into special camps… where they can concentrate? Wow, you’re going to not laugh because you’re politically correct! Congratulations, you took a stand against racism or bigotry! Take the sledgehammer out of your ass and move on.

4. The Complete and Utter Lack of School Spirit at Penn

During Fall Break, I had the good fortune of visiting a state school. Laughable academics aside, this school amazed me for actually fulfilling the expectations I had about college: school spirit, an unbelievably attractive and available student body, fratty frats, and diehard sports teams. Back in Philly, the only time we’re actually excited about saying we go to Penn is during job interviews when we’re whoring ourselves for the Golden Ticket out of here. The admissions department clearly ignores all the photos submitted during applications, fraternities are just another meaningless resume-filler, and then there’s our sports: The football team averages two first downs a game, the gymnastics team has to hold fund-raisers to afford balance beams, and the only sport we’re actually good at is squash. (Sadly, this isn’t a joke.) Granted, it doesn’t help that our sports teams go by the oxymoronic title of the “Fighting Quakers,” which would be acceptably funny if this wasn’t an Ivy League school.

5. “Crank Dat,” “Stronger,” and Every Other Incredibly Popular Yet Shitty Song That Defies The English Language

With the release of “Crank Dat,” 17-year-old rapper Soulja Boy changed for the worse every college bar and house party’s music playlist, in addition to irrevocably altering the English Language by successfully making “Superman” a transitive verb. (“Superman that ho!”) Meanwhile, Kanye West, a record producer with the lyrical ability of a middle schooler huffing a can of Axe at the Sadie Hawkins Dance, told listeners of his Daft Punk abortion “Stronger” to “go nuts, go ape shit / Especially in my pastel, all my bape shit.” What the hell is “bape shit”? If the only key to success in modern music is being black and making up words, which is what I’m being led to believe, I’ll be the first to pull a reverse-Michael Jackson and start repeating baby googles. The kids these days…

6. Top Ten Lists

How passé. Six is the new ten.

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