Alexander Jacobson: Expert on Dieting

by Alexander Jacobson

             Looking for the latest dieting trick? Keep on looking, because we here at Punchbowl are about secrets, not tricks. We’ve discovered the latest dieting secrets, certified by all seventy of our certifiably existent staff. I, Alexander Jacobson of the 3rd link when Googling “ALEXANDER JACOBSON –Expert on dieting” am an Expert on Dieting and I would like to share these latest dieting secrets with you, our loyal readers.

Coke Zero-FIRE
           Burn calories like fire, literally! This poor-choice for a nutritional supplement will more than help you consume calories. Your calories will consume you. At 15% Sulfuric Acid by volume, Coke Zero-FIRE will ensure that you can FEEL those calories just melting away. Unfortunately this flamingly popular product won’t be on the market for another four hours because it’s still being tested on steel-alloy pipes.

Carnivore’s Protein Bars
           Ever made that quick stop for a protein bar in place of a rock solid meal? Worry no more, now you have the Carnivore’s Protein Bar in your selection. This three-and-a-half pound monster is packed with 15 unique varieties of dead animal and, you got it, it’s available in peanut-butter flavor. We here at Carnivores’ Protein Bars don’t believe in feeding our customers processed protein. This is why we’ve specially formulated this mass of protein to not only feed your muscles for real work, but also to work every white blood cell in your body by not cooking it, serving up a workout harder than a triathlon-sized portion of HIV. You better believe it, not a single one of your fifteen sources of RAW protein is tainted by sterilization of any kind.

The Pedo-MOTIVATOR!
           If you’ve ever worn a normal pedometer for a week in an attempt to motivate yourself to stop watching Rosanne re-runs, get off the couch and go to the fridge, then you know the sigh of relieve you’ll have when the Pedo-MOTIVATOR! hits the market. This critter’s 750-decible sirens will start “asking” you to get off your Crisco-infested ass the second you stop moving. Better yet, you’ll never lose the Pedo-MOTIVATOR! because is equipped with a Kryptonite lock that connects directly to your pelvis.

           Aren’t those secrets? They sure sounded secretive to me. If you have any feedback on any of these secrets, you can reach us at;
Street Address: 6969 Idontwannahearaboutyourfuckeduppelvis St, RAW City, NA.
E-mail: YourWhiteBloodCellsAreGone@15meats.org
Phone: (983) 416-3323
(WTF) IAM-DEAF

We’d love to hear from you.

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