Alternative Ways of Recruiting

by Rish Chaudhuri

It is said that the I Banking world is a tough place to be, and what better way to test toughness in our candidates than to subject them to an insidious physical challenge. And nobody does insidious like the Japanese. They have devised a cunning show named

Goldman’s Castle

This involves 142 suitable Wharton/College/Engineering tools whom The Recruiter (capitalized to make him feel some semblance of importance in an otherwise mundane existence) forces into a series of silly physical challenges, such as running through a gauntlet of giant Pokemon characters and launching on to sticky walls like Spiderman. Inevitably, a giant Pikachu proves too daunting and stressful for the candidates, as one by one they all bite the bitter dust of failure. The silly challenges end only when 10 candidates are left, and the “Final Showdown” begins. In this concluding challenge, the candidates chase The Recruiter in a high thrills high speed Segway chase. The first person to hit The Recruiter in the testicles with a custom made Goldman boomerang gets a job offer and a complimentary bottle of Mountain Dew. Unfortunately, they don’t get to keep the boomerang. Simple stuff.

Pie Eating Competition

Going to dinner with clients is another important facet of the business world. Just like investors look for good price to earnings ratio, recruiters look for a good pie to earnings ratio. This is where a pie eating contest would come very much in handy. This would save a lot of time for the interviewers as they would only have to organize a lot of pies in their large conference rooms, rather than come on to campus. In most cases, a rather corpulent fellow with unhealthy eating habits is the winner (due to superior training) and while working for Goldman, there is a strong chance that he might die. But the fat man is a devious façade, as when he dies, the company takes the insurance benefits, and hires competent mandrills that can do the job just as well for 2 bananas an hour, well above the industry standard. The future is bananas. B A N A N A S.

Musical Chairs

From the beginning of time, one game has been synonymous with brutal elimination. It involves sweet sweet music, and some chairs. No my friends, this is not Furniture Night in a Bangkok nightclub, but something of greater substance and worth. Yes, I can only be talking about the venerated game of musical chairs. What game combines devious strategy with the sheer grit and determination required to succeed in the demanding corporate world, even if the eventual winner hasn’t even finished kindergarten yet? (This question is a rhetorical one, so if you are trying to think of an answer to it, you are officially a dumbass). Well, that’s what the mandrills are for I guess, the greatest contingency plan known to mankind.

AND WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS….

Blind Folded Darts

Recruiters drink copious amounts of alcohol, write the candidates names on Post It notes and stick them on a wall. Blind folded, the recruiters then throw darts at the wall. Which ever candidate’s name which has a dart pierced into it is chosen. But if all the recruiters are dead, nobody is hired; hence this method is used as a last resort for very obvious reasons.

As soon to be entrants, you must be thinking, this is madness. This is not madness. THIS IS WHARTON!!


editor’s note: the author of the preceding article is foreign.

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