by Walker Hawkins

           If you’re like me – incredibly good looking, zing! – then you don’t need to be reading this column. However, if you’re like me – the typical Wharton student – you have been spending the better part of your summer working at a grueling internship. With that said, I’m writing this article to inform those more fortunate than us of what a typical intern’s day consists. Enjoy.

6:00 A.M. – Wake Up
Every morning it’s the same, your alarm clock goes off and you begin to incoherently mumble and moan for approximately 15 minutes. Such phrases may include “It can’t be that early” to “Fuck that, I’m going back to sleep” and the always memorable, “Worst. Hangover. Ever.” This part of your morning may also consist of your mom coming in to wake you up in an inexplicably cheerful mood…this will only piss you off even more.

7:00 A.M. – The Drive
This is the part of the day where you get 45 minutes to just think about how the next 8 hours are going to be the longest of your life. Unfortunately, The Drive usually involves cursing, and at some points, sobbing. You’ll find yourself says such tings as “Why did I get a job?” and “I can’t believe my parents haven’t killed themselves”. The Drive always ends with you sitting in your car in the parking garage trying to avoid the inevitable. At this point, you may wish that asphyxiation occurs (hopefully auto-erotic).

8:00 A.M. – 12:00 P.M. – Toil
This is the part of the day that you dread. This is when you have to pretend like your working for 4 straight hours, while doing the least amount of work possible. However, this is also when your “Wharton Drive” kicks in. Your “Wharton Drive” is that voice in your head that tells you that whatever you’re doing is totally worth it as long as you’re making money. Freshmen beware, your “Wharton Drive” may also cause you to give hobos hand jobs for quarters and to kill puppies. Some interns may tell you that the best way to get through this part of the day is to actually do your work. These people are weak and are commonly referred to as “bitch”.

12:00 P.M. – 1:00 P.M. – Lunch
An hour long orgasm.

1:00 P.M. – 5:00 P.M. – Toil (cont.)
It may be titled the same, but this continuation of toiling is quite different. At this point, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. As each minute ticks away, you’re one step closer to going home. One step closer to that freedom you’ve been dreaming about all day. You spend this time thinking about what you’re going to do after work, asking yourself important questions such as “What am I going to do first when I get home, masturbate or masturbate?” Decisions, decisions.

5:00 P.M. – ? – Summer!
Actually, the exclamation point is as exciting as this point of the day gets and the question mark is just added for effect. For most, you can replace that question mark with a 10:00 P.M. As opposed to college where the day usually doesn’t begin until this time, you’ll find yourself going to bed as early as possible just to get a few more minutes of sleep. You’ll also quickly come to the realization that the rest of your life is going to be exactly the same…you hope you never wake up.

For Fridays Only – Get Paid
I add this section only to separate out that five minutes on Friday when you receive your paycheck and convince yourself that the past 40 hours were completely worth it. Your “Wharton Drive’ will then kick in and you’ll kill the first puppy you find.