ELEVEN THESES TO BE AFFIXED TO THE DOOR OF FRESH GROCER

by Kevin Kimura

In 1517, Martin Luther famously displayed a denunciation of the granting of indulgences, scandalizing the Church and ensuring his own excommunication. Here at Penn, we are not dependent on the Church, but those unwilling to accept Penn Dining’s Faustian bargain are entirely dependent on Fresh Grocer: the only supermarket at Penn. Like the Church, however, Fresh Grocer has allowed its monopolisitic dominance to turn to corruption.

I, a humble consumer of groceries, no long tolerate the decadence and evil that Fresh Grocer now harbors. Indeed, our beloved supermarket has gone astray, and it is up to us to return it to the godly path from which it has so heinously deviated. It is up to us, in the spirit of Martin Luther, to demand reform…ation. I shall affix the following to the double doors of Fresh Grocer:

Out of love for the truth and the desire to bring it to light, the following propositions will be discussed at Penn, by Kevin Kimura, enjoyer of delicious comestibles. Wherefore he requests that those who are unable to be present and debate orally with us, may do so by letter.

In the Name our Lord Amy Gutmann. Amen.

1. The navigable grocery store will have aisles regularly spaced, logically ordered, and oriented in a common direction.

2. The Fresh Grocer’s aisles are haphazard in orientation and the pickles and the relish are separated by vast distances.

3. It is the responsibility of local businesses to provide jobs at all skill and wage levels for the surrounding community.

4. Yet the guy who checks the receipts rarely even bothers to glance at mine, and verily, most employees do loiter most notoriously and check shoppers out with most venomous and unholy surliness.

5. Pricing may reflect the affluence of the customer, which is, especially at Wharton, great and wondrous.

6. But there is no denying that FroGro is a freaking rip-off next to WaWa. Four dollars for a handful of blackberries? The season is irrelevant; that’s ridiculous.

7. Wicked and pitiful is the selection of a supermarket that offers only two brands of vegan burrito.

8. As penance, Fresh Grocer ought to have Girl Scout cookies on offer at all times of the year.

9. The harboring of obnoxious, drunk, frat bros that are rude to the staff late at night is a great evil that must be condemned and suppressed in the Name of our Lord, Amy Gutmann.

10. May eternal purgatory greet those baggers that stack soup cans over bread and milk jugs over eggs.

11. No more indulgences, FroGro.


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