Financial Times Headlines… From the Comic Book World

by Alex King

Insurance Industry Not to Cover Superhuman Attacks
In a decision that is sending shockwaves through the insurance industry, a consortium of the largest private insurance brokers recently announced they would no longer cover damages due to superhuman attacks. A spokesperson from JPMorgan Chase (JPM) stated, “We can’t afford to keep paying out every time the Juggernaut decides to run through a wall, damn it. Do you know how often Superman’s eye laser things tear up downtown Metropolis? It’s ridiculous.” This has created an outcry from small businessmen, whose storefront windows are often destroyed by flung henchmen and…

Unions Protest Increased Mutant Hires
The United Non-Mutant Laborers Union, the nation’s largest union for non-mutant workers, led an enormous protest in Washington D.C. yesterday to show their disapproval of increased mutant hiring by major corporations. Mutants possessing industrially beneficial powers have seen large gains in employment in recent years, and are often paid more than the standard wage. Union leader Jonathon Maxwell affirmed, “Just because we can’t levitate steel, weld metal with our eyes, or have concrete producing glands shouldn’t mean we don’t get a fair wage.” Mutant workers feel differently, however. One such worker, Ajax the Destroyer stated in an interview, “I have the strength of ten men! …So should I not receive the wages’ of ten men? Hwaaaa!” and then lifted an entire cement truck above his…

LexCorp Scandal Still Raging
Industrial giant LexCorp (LEXC) has been having a rocky conflict between its investors and CEO Lex Luthor. The corporation has been operating at a profit in the aerospace, chemical and sci-fi tech sectors, but investors state the CEO doesn’t have their interests at heart. They stated, “CEO Lex Luthor is more concerned with world domination and personal vendettas than running a profitable company.” They cite Luthor’s choice to remain heavily invested in the kryptonite battle suit industry, an underperforming sector the past seven years running, as an example of this. Luthor responded to investor criticism by stating, “Mwahahaha, I shall kill Superman and rule the world! Mwahahahaha!” and then pushed an enormous red button which instantly incinerated…

WorldBank “Superpower Study” Proves Controversial
The recent release of the WorldBank’s study on distribution of superpowers is raising tempers across all borders. The study concluded that most superheroes in the world are found in America, with developing countries producing almost no superpowered humans. Senator Robert Kelly (R-KS) agreed with the study, saying “It’s true, we’ve got all the superheroes here. Superman, Spiderman, Ironman, Wolverine, The Hulk, you name ‘em, they’re American. I think it’s our better school system.” A conference of developing nations decried the study, although agreeing with its finding that there are very few superheroes from the third world. “It’s not fair…

Impressive Returns from Alternative Investments
A string of new private investment partnerships have been posting high returns by using non-traditional investment techniques. A hedge fund managed by Charles Xavier PhD uses precognitive techniques to predict winning investments. Dr. Xavier stated, “Yeah, I’m a telepath, so it’s pretty easy to make a lot of money. Sure beats teaching gifted youngsters.” A competing firm managed by Chronos, the Time Lord has innovated a technique of traveling back in time to make low-risk investments and then cashing them out in the present for instantaneous profit. In a press release Chronos, the Time Lord stated, “We’re changing history… for our investors!” The SEC has stated…

Congress Set to Raise Inter-Dimensional Tariff
Bill 4059, which would raise the current inter-dimensional tariff to prohibitive levels, is expected to pass later this week. This has come at a time of increased protectionist sentiments, with many American producers angry about cheap goods from other dimensions lowering prices. “Earth 665’s steel is flooding our market and we can no longer compete,” a steel producer from this dimension complained in one interview. “Just because in their dimension steel literally grows on trees shouldn’t mean we have to…

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