by Alexander Jacobson
Ever had trouble multi-tasking in the sack? Not anymore! With these latest inventions fresh out of the San Fernando Valley, you’ll be productively screwing all night long.
The Hammered
Don’t let the name suggest that you will be doing any hammering. This ingenious device combines the flask and the dildo. It’s a series of 1-inch long hollow aluminum tubes that come in a whole assortment of diameters, colors and degrees of flamboyancy. Simply screw (pun intended) the segments together to customize length, fill her to the brim with black label and screw (pun not intended this time) the head on to seal her up. Once you’ve gone to work on your daughter significant other, you can unleash the fury of your passion by chugging the whiskey inside your tool and, once even more intoxicated, make the same bad decision all over again!
The Mood Ring
Welcome to the world where green means stop and red means go. This nifty device wraps right around your man’s manhood and changes color to indicate exactly how ready he is for some action.
Note: forty nine of the fifty states are currently legislating to ban the sale of this product on grounds of false advertising. No one can get it to turn green. Pennsylvania remains the only state not considering a ban on account of Alexander Jacobson’s inability to get it up.
The Siberian Sybian
The Sybian; supposed master of female lascivious pleasure, but no more. The famed Sybian has been overtaken by it’s cousin, the Siberian Sybian, which bears the original’s namesake only because Russia only enforces Trade Marks when Putin has had a bad week, and gas prices are through the roof. The Siberian Sybian flips the original’s mastery of 0 up to 6000 rpm in 1.2 seconds on it’s head, taking your vagina from a comfortable 76.5 degrees down to negative six thousand in, you got it– just 1.2 seconds. This puppy will make you feel things you’ve never felt before… like frostbite on your crotch.