Friday Special: Kinda/Sorta Choose Your Own Adventure


“It’s like a choose your own adventure except you don’t actually choose—I do!” – Me

Pt. 1: Spruce Street Seduction

…You grab your bag and dart down the street, constantly looking over your shoulder to see if the zombies are still behind you. They are. You swing around and face them. Two tall zombie girls, galloping at alarming speeds, lead the swarming pack. Scared out of your mind, you:
A) Size up the enemy and think about which moves you are going to use to defeat them.
B) Whimper.
C) Get the hell out of there.

You duck into an alleyway and float up and away onto the roof of an old industrial building. That’s right, you have superpowers. Oh I’m sorry, did I just blow your mind? Get over it—we have a serious situation here. You tiptoe towards the edge of the building and peek over the ledge. Whoa! Watch it, you almost fell! You gather yourself and peer over the ledge, just in time to see the first wave of hot zombies break against the side of the building. Out of nowhere you feel a tap on your right shoulder, so you:
A) Spin to the left, because you haven’t fallen for that trick since the fourth grade.
B) Yelp.
C) Turn around and stand face-to-face with your arch nemesis, Grizz.

He’s tiny, so you’re not really that scared. But still, it’s SO weird to run into him here! You ask him why he has sent his army of rabid teenage girls after you, and he doesn’t have a good answer. And you’re like, “What? Are you kidding me?” It’s really awkward for a few minutes, until you notice something in the background. Behind the obligatory air conditioning unit you hear a muffled cry. You tell Grizz that you have to, umm, go check something out over there, you know, by the air conditioner. He tries to stop you but you use your super speed and witty banter to evade his moves. On the other side of the unit you find:
A) The president’s daughter.
B) Your keys!
C) That cute girl from your Intro to Dinosaurs freshman seminar.

You pause for a second to reflect on how totally sweet your Intro to Dinosaurs freshman seminar is. You turn back to the girl. That whore. You know that she will totally go out with you if you can somehow save her from this perilous predicament. Well, maybe she’ll say “Hi” to you in class. At the very least she’ll stop filing those formal complaints that you make her feel “uncomfortable.” While you were considering these scenarios, the army of girls scaled the walls and formed a circle around you, the girl and Grizz. Great job. No, really, awesome, just awesome. This is exactly the kind of situation I wanted to get you out of. So—let’s see UMM—you finally:
A) Give up and fly home—after all, you can freaking FLY—there will be other girls.
B) Do your best, but still fail.
C) Save the girl, go out for a while, drift apart, let the jealousy take over, ask her if you can just see her one more time, appreciate her friendship for what it is, respect her privacy, blow up her head with your plasma vision.

TO BE CONTINUED…


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