WARNING: Web pages may get stuck together.
My first thought when I was admitted to the University of Pennsylvania was, of course, GO NITTANY LIONS! My second thought, however, was about how much easier it would be to find a girl in college. After all, in high school some people had trouble attracting girls because some people really liked to play recreational basketball against seventh-graders on Friday nights because some people weren’t tall enough to play on the real basketball team. And some people were constantly told they were really funny and cute but more in a “best friend” kind of way, so some people had to spend their Saturday nights simulating mock baseball drafts in their basement so that some people could end up getting second place in their fantasy league. And some people still need that $150 that they won, Marty.
Personally, I was thrilled when I found out I was coming to Penn for two reasons: one, I heard there were a lot of great fantasy baseball leagues and two, college girls! I assumed that once I arrived on campus I would have to start fighting off girls like Rambo would have to fight off robotic monkeys in some kind of futuristic throwback thriller. I thought I would basically sign up on some list and instantly be hooked up with a cute, Jewish art-history major. Or maybe there would be some kind of box where I would pick out a random girl’s name and then we would instantly go to a frat party where they only play techno music and old Bon Jovi songs. Yeah that’s it, like some kind of sweet “box”…
Unfortunately, I am writing this article because it really hasn’t been that easy so far. I think my problem (as if there was only one) might be that I don’t really know what I’m looking for in a girl. That’s why I’ve decided to come up with a list of my most desirable characteristics to help me find my perfect, collegiate dream girl:
My dream girl would have to share at least nine or ten of the following interests with me: Dinosaurs; The Green Bay Packers; Volcanoes; Astronauts; Home runs; Peanut Butter; Secret passageways; Rocket science; Sprinklers; Ancient empires; Cheese; Little astronauts exploring the center of the earth, fighting for cures; Horrible accidents that wind up giving you super powers.
My perfect girl would need to be good enough at Madden that I could play a good, competitive game with her but not so good that I would wind up crying in the corner after she whooped me with the Dolphins. She needs to be interested enough that she would play five minute quarters, but not so obsessed that she would bring her hard drive over so she could load her own franchise. I also don’t want to have to remind her to use the “turbo” button like every five seconds.
Adorable British Accent:
Simply a must, if I do say! But seriously, it’s really cute. And then I would always be interested in what she was saying, even if it was about something really boring like the election or how she’s not ready to take our relationship to the next level.
They say the way to a man’s heart is with a ninja blow straight to the chest. The way to my heart, however, is through my stomach. My dream girl would be able to throw together some of the easier foods that everybody knows how to make, like Kraft Easy Mac and Pop Tarts. But she would also be able to prepare more advanced college cuisine, like Kraft Deluxe Macaroni and Toaster Strudels (the kind where you have to put the icing on all by yourself, like without your mom or anything).
Overall Human Decency:
Nothing turns me off/scares me more than those girls that walk by me as if they were the coolest person in the world and I was just some faceless obstacle standing between them and other cool people. Sometimes I will be walking down the hall and one of these girls will just walk straight at me until I buckle under the pressure like A-Rod in the playoffs (Zing!). Or, and this is even worse, they will turn their head and duck as they walk by, as if whatever is keeping me from being as insurmountably cool as them was contagious. I’m sorry, just because I DON’T listen to Dispatch and you DO wear black skintight leggings DOESN’T mean you can’t say “hello” to me like a decent human being.
No, my dream girl would shyly smile and whisper some sweet nothing as she passed by. Then, as realizes how cute and funny I probably am, she would tilt her head, stop, and turn around slowly. Trembling with anticipation, she would bite her lip and gaze upwards until our eyes locked in a beautiful moment of shared longing. She would laugh awkwardly and blush as she quickly looked away, knowing full well what was to happen next.
Keep in mind that all of this would happen in slow motion. In the dark. With strobe lights. And thumping techno music. On the moon. Plus, we’re invisible.