Friday Special: What Not To Say on a Penn Tour


      Even though I am already a member of the illustrious Punch Bowl magazine, I recently applied to be a member of the merely lustrious Kite and Key Tour Guide program. I did this because I was lonely looking for more ways to get involved on campus. Unfortunately, it turns out that freedom of speech, which is like, so totally my right, does not apply to the program. Apparently, these are some things that I probably should never say while giving a tour, according to my friends at Kite and Key:

“Hey everybody my name is Will, and I’m going to be your tour guide today because my life is turning out to be a hollow echo of everything I hoped it would be.”

“OK, so if you could just go around and introduce yourselves…you know, say your name, intended major, and whether you will be attending Columbia or Dartmouth once you’re rejected.”

“[suspiciously] What’s that in the back? [sarcastically] Aww, you can’t keep up? [with great conviction] You know what, why don’t you just take your grandma and that seeing-eye dog and get the hell out of here.”

“I dare you to pet that squirrel.”

“…Haha no seriously, what’s your real SAT score? Oh my god, you’re kidding right?…Oh no, that score will TOTALLY get you in…I’m just kidding, but seriously, you’re not getting in.”

“Well about 30% of students at Penn ‘go greek’ so I would say that fraternity life is NOT the only social option. But, you know what they say: When you’ve seen one frat party, you won’t be able to wait until your NEXT SWEET FRAT PARTY! COLLEGE!”

“…Yeah, and you should see this place when everyone’s not completely wasted!”

“On your left is Du Bois, yet another one of Penn’s excellent housing options, and here on your right is the spot where ‘Uncle Ray-Ray’ got his shit split ‘cause he was selling that whack chronic.”

“Fine, I’ll pay you to pet that squirrel.”

“OK, so that’s also a great question. She asked, ‘Do people actually use 898-Walk?’ and I would answer that by saying it’s a feature that is unique to Penn and is really useful…if you’re a total pansy!”

“By a round of applause, how many of you enjoy traveling in taxis late at night by yourself?”

“…And if you look over to your left you can actually see Penn president Amy Gutmann! Wait, what is she doing…is she actually going to pet that squirr…oh, oh wow, you weren’t supposed to see that.”

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