by Walker Hawkins
The first step towards breaking any addiction is admitting that you have a problem. Hi, my name is Walker and I’m an addict. What am I addicted to? Take a guess…if you said “meth”, you’re really close…I’m a Blackberry addict. I know it sounds crazy, but when I get that sleek, slender body in my palms I just can’t stop. My spine tingles. My eyes tear. My body goes limp…and about 95% of the time I have a mild convulsion/orgasm. Ridiculous you say? Well you know what, you’re ridiculous! What is that a Nokia? You’re the fucking joke! Does that thing even have a camera? Yeah, that’s what I thought, suck on it! What, NO!!!! What are you doing?!?! Put that down!!! AAAHHHH!!!! My baby;a;sdfkasdlfkdfasdf”kADJFKasfdSAD FKDSFK !@FR;IFSDN FH
Sorry, I blacked out there for a second. Anyways, I thought I take this opportunity to explain to the world my addiction and why it’s so hard just to turn it off…DON’T YOU EVER TURN IT OFF!
BBM
So, as most of you probably know, BBM stands for Blackberry Messenger. If you didn’t know that, well, chances are you’re probably poor. If that is in fact the case, let me refer you to Jotham Klein’s article “Help! I’m a Meth Addict.” Anyways, BBM is like instant messenger for your phone…except better. It’s texting without that annoying ring your fucking Razr makes every time you get some lame text message. Seriously, if you don’t put your phone on silent I’m going to Razr your eyes out. Even more, you don’t have to come up with some screen name like ChrisHansenPleaseDon’tTrickMe22. Here, you’re simply referred to as “Me” and the person with whom you’re conversing is simply listed by their real name. Still not convinced, here’s an example:
Me: Hey, what up?
Satan: You’ve had ur Curve for 30 days now and it’s time 4 u 2 fulfill the prophecy…
Me: No, it can’t be time already
Me: Just a few more days, please…
Satan: In 2 days time, ur soul will be mine…yes I know that rhymes
Me: Uh, brb
Brick Breaker
“Best Game of 2006” – Game Informer. Did I just make that up? Yes, but I got you’re attention which is the important part. Brick Breaker is this amazing game where you use a paddle to break bricks that are hovering in different formations. Did I just blow you’re mind? I’ll give you a second to gather yourself…ready? There are 32 levels!!! Just take deep breaths…there are also items like “Laser” and “Gun” and “Wrap”…Oh my God! Somebody get the defibrillator…
Gmail Application
Cleverly enough, Blackberry also gives you the ability to download certain Google applications, including Gmail. Usually, I would just check my mail before class, after class, and in-between classes, but now, I can check my mail during class. It might not sound that exciting to you, but I need this man…everything about Gmail is perfect, the inbox, the search feature…do you know what I mean? Oh wait, no, you don’t, because you don’t have the Gmail application.
Superior Battery
You probably thought I meant longer battery life. Well, I didn’t. I snort that shit. How?
1. Peel away plastic coating
2. Smash with hammer
3. Snort
You haven’t gotten high until you’ve done lithium ion…
Full Keyboard
Last, but certainly not least, there is the full keyboard. Seriously, I’m typing 40 wpm over here, deal with it. Would I text with you? Maybe. 14 wpm? Absolutely not, you think I’ve got that kind of time? I don’t, I got more lithium ion to snort mother fucker.