All my friends already know that I love Amy Gutmann. Regular readers of http://www.ThePunchBowl.net would also know this if they reading my last post on this subject.
However, I have still not gotten into Amy’s lovebox.
As time progresses, I realize my strategy of being the nice guy just isn’t working out. Between her and all the other girls at Penn, I realize there is one truth when it comes to sex: chicks love douchebags. So here’s my plan: I will critique Amy and aim to leave her a weeping, emotional mess with no self esteem – perfectly positioned for me to swoop in and take advantage of her.
What has Amy done lately?
Anti-frat stance: Amy and OFSA have been cracking down on fraternities throughout the year. I think Amy can’t fill out her French Maid outfit any more and just wants an excuse to not come to our No Pants party by shutting it down.
The Halloween Photos Scandal: As most of you know, Princess Amy got in heaps of controversy for posing with a terrorist at a Halloween party last year. In my opinion, the dress wasn’t short enough, but more important – she didn’t go far enough. She should have taken that terrorist, laid him across her lap, and given him a nice spanking, right where he deserves it, oh yeah – I gotta fulfill my fantasies, dammit. That reminds me, with Halloween coming up, I gotta go down to South Street to get a dominatrix outfit and a disposable camera.
At this point, I couldn’t remember anything else worthwhile Amy has done, so I did a little research:
Ahmaninejad at Columbia: Last month Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmaninejad gave a highly controversial speech and question-and-answer session at Columbia University while attending the United Nations General Assembly. Sadly, nothing of the sort would ever happen here at Penn. No, it is NOT because Amy is frightened, meek, and superficial. It’s just that Amy is Jewish, and my homeboy Mahmoud don’t play that.
Why Deliberative Democracy: In her most recent book published in 2004, Dr. Amy courageously argued that “Democracy = Good.” Way to take a stand!
However, contrary to the negative response from both literary critics and acadamians alike, I actually believe her most recent work was a veritable masterpiece. I found her fascinating theories featuring ways for opposing groups to achieve political accommodation to be particularly insightful. Maybe she would discuss it with me over dinner at Pod?
Amy’s speaking skills: Most people think Amy’s public speaking style entails a two-drink minimum and some simple grammatical mistakes, but I like it. She sounds exactly like a drunk girl at a party. Armed with a year at college under my belt, drunk girls at parties are my pick-up area of expertise*.
The New Fundraising Campaign: Last weekend Amy unveiled her plans to raise $3.5 billion over the next few years. However, unlike the firing of Dean Stetson, there is no chance of keeping the fundraising methodology secret: heavy prostitution. Donate $20 million, and not only will you get a new building named after you, but you get to consummate it with Amy too!
Expanding Penn to Center City: The plan is ridiculous and a waste of money, but I’ll expand my pen to the center of her city, any day**.
* Watch out, freshmen!
**Ladies, don’t worry, I do not have just a “pen.” I have at least a magic marker