by Kevin Kimura
When one thinks of terrorism, a lot of images jump to mind. Hackey sack, teva sandles, and kashi don’t typically come to mind. But they did this time. I just glanced at my hometown paper and I was horrified to discover that some model homes had been torched by hippies.
Terrorism isn’t just for white supremacists and religious extremists anymore!
The Earth Liberation Front is a leaderless movement composed of ruthless tree huggers, bored suburban teenagers, and plants and animals that have developed sentience, opposable thumbs, and an insatiable thirst for destruction.
The recent ELF activity brings to mind some of the other, lesser-known terrorist groups that have escaped detection while everyone focuses on Al-Qaeda. These groups are just as dangerous—maybe more because they are so insidious. They use acts of fear as a means of coercion and control over their innocent victims.
1. ConnectU. Rumor is they are threatening copyright litigation against Facebook. Facebook! Is nothing sacred? Could anything be more blameless than Facebook?
2. Your parents. You’re freaking out because of your midterm today and then you get a call. Your parents. Why haven’t you gotten a job? Why are you still single? Don’t you see a life of loneliness and penury ahead? If that’s not terrifying, I don’t know what is.
3. Commons. If you’re a freshman, you’re required to be on that albatross of a dining plan. That makes you subject to the whims of Commons. It’s always seemed alright; maybe a little bland. But boy have you heard stories—laxatives in the food…the saliva of the disgruntled employee…full-blown race riots in the 1960s. You never know when Commons is going to strike.
4. Capital One Ad Campaigns. Those who are old enough to remember…was anything more horrifying than watching David Spade trying to come up with a funny way to say “What’s in your wallet?” These excruciatingly unfunny ads might come on just as you were innocently settling in for an evening of Gilmore Girls. You wouldn’t be able to laugh for weeks without thinking about how awkward it was. How could this solid but unremarkable SNL cast member fall so low? It could happen to you, too.
5. Hipsters. Here might be a typical exchange:
Hipster: “So…what music do you like?”
You: “Uhhh—Wilco! NO. I mean—Vampire Weekend! NO—they’ve, like, totally sold out. I mean—Jarvis Cocker—NO!! I mean—is Savage Garden old enough to be uncool but ironically uncool yet?”
Hipster: (sighing) “Nice shirt.”
You: “OH! THANKS! I got in Japan…I mean—it’s vintage—I got it in a thrift store…I…”
Hipster: (walking away) “Dude—you try way too hard.”
You: “But I know this amazing vegan restaurant!”
And at Penn, you’re never safe.
If you have contact with any of these groups, make sure to alert the Department of Homeland Security immediately.